Dr. Times workplace advice

Natalie McEwan, Opinions and Humor Editor

Lauren Prattis, Audience Editor

Summer and graduation are just around the corner, and with that comes internship applications, summer jobs and postgraduate opportunities that may all make you want to rip your hair out. But don’t fret, Rams! Dr. Times, resident expert, is here to answer all your questions about the workplace.

Dear Dr. Times, 

I’ve never been able to nail down the “office siren” look that’s been going viral on TikTok. Do you have any tips or tricks? 

Sincerely,

Not filling out a pantsuit

Dear Reader, 

Another client was telling me about this new trend. I don’t believe in the internet so I’m not all that tuned into what the kids are doing these days, but I’ll give it my best shot. 

I think the best way to execute the look is to fully immerse yourself into siren culture. Take a few voice lessons to make sure your singing voice is in the best shape possible — your coworkers are bound to be absolutely captivated. 

From what I understand, you can’t buy the attire at the mall, so you’re going to have to collect the shells from the ocean and make it yourself. 

I just have one quick question for you — is your office in the middle of the Atlantic? Please let me know. 

Wear your sunscreen,

Dr. Times

Dear Dr. Times, 

I applied for an internship and I haven’t heard back in months. I need advice on what to do, I’m desperate! 

Sincerely,

Broke and bored

Dear Reader, 

You want to make sure that you stand out from the other applicants to the hiring managers. Deliver a few boxes of powdered sugar donuts to the office — make sure to send the powder separately, that way the donuts are fresh when they arrive. Put the white powder in a separate, unlabeled envelope so its sugary goodness is more of a surprise. 

Wear all black and dark sunglasses, and circle the office during the day — it’s spring so you need to protect yourself from the sun! The company will see you and know you’re a committed candidate. 

Happy interning,

Dr. Times

Dear Dr. Times, 

I’m about to graduate. What should I put on my resume to hear back from job applications? 

Sincerely,

An uninteresting person

Dear Reader,

I’ve heard of a troubling trend that people now apply to hundreds, even thousands, of jobs and don’t hear back. Luckily, I know just the psychological tricks to help your resume stand out from the crowd. 

First, you want to make sure your resume stands out visually. Put a giant headshot of your face, preferably in a cool corporate outfit like a neon purple suit with shoulder pads, in the top right corner of the resume. 

You also want to make sure the hiring manager can see your resume from a mile away. Make it stand out in a giant pile of boring papers. Comic Sans MS is the most readable font, so you should change your resume to that font. Finally, change the color of your text to red. Not only will it make your resume look super cool, it also will make the hiring manager see you as a bold, decisive employee.

With these tips, it won’t matter what you actually put on the resume. Though, one piece of advice, make sure to put every job you’ve ever had. Don’t worry how long it is! The right job will recognize all of your success. 

Wishing you the best of luck,

Dr. Times

Dear Dr. Times,

I’m currently working a service job at a restaurant, but my dream is to be an artist. How do I get myself out there while at this in-between job?

Sincerely,

Drawing on napkins

Dear Reader,

Don’t let the job you have stop you from getting the job you want! Start every shift by bringing lots of paintings into work. Store them in the walk-in refrigerator. Then, present a painting with every check you bring to a table and add the painting onto the check!

Any good customer would either recognize the value of the painting or not even notice the additional charge. You’ll make more tips than ever and soon your paintings will become so famous you won’t even need to go through the restaurant as an intermediary.

If an ungrateful customer happens to complain, just remind them that this is a preferable experience than being confronted with a turned-around tip tablet. That threat should keep them at bay.

Get that sale,

Dr. Times

Editor’s Note: The characters and events depicted in this story are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.