Shawty wutcha sign is?
The CT’s new monthly horoscopes are encouraged to self-identify as they personally feel appropriate – destiny, after all, is destiny, and anyway the stars are tricky to read around here, with the light pollution.
Nick Bonadies
Spectrum Editor
A widespread spike in identity crises last week has a Minnesotan community college professor to thank – according to astronomy instructor Parke Kunkle of the Minneapolis Community and Technical College, the dates by which astrologers designate Zodiac signs are inaccurate by about a month.
Mass panic ensued. Horoscope readers scrambled for answers: Have I been reading the wrong prediction all these years? What does being a Cancer mean for my personality, for my hopes and dreams and my relationships with others?
What does it mean for the Leo tattoo on my lower back?
According to professional astrologers, not a lot. “This doesn’t change your chart at all. I’m not about to use it,” Shelley Ackerman, a spokeswoman for the American Federation of Astrologers, said in an interview with The Associated Press.
The system used in horoscope columns – the “tropical” zodiac, based on movements within our solar system – actually remains unchanged, being distinct from the constellation-based “sidereal” zodiac, which accounts for the Earth’s ever-shifting visible range of stars.
Taking the shift into astrological consideration would entail updating the commonly accepted Zodiac timetable, as well as re-instituting Ophiucus (“the snake handler”), the 13th star sign previously appropriated under Scorpio.
Kunkle noted astronomers as well as astrologers have observed this shift, called the precession of the equinoxes, for a little over 2000 years.
“This is not new news,” he said, responding to the Twitter and Facebook-fueled general uproar. “Almost every astronomy class talks about it.”
Non-horoscope readers called it a slow news week.
In light of the recent controversy, readers seeking wisdom from The CT’s new monthly horoscopes are encouraged to self-identify as they personally feel appropriate – destiny, after all, is destiny, and anyway the stars are tricky to read around here, with the light pollution.
HOROSCOPES for January | Guaranteed 100 percent accurate.
“Old” dates are listed on the left, and “new” on the right.
AQUARIUS – Jan. 20 – Feb. 18 / Feb. 16 – March 11
We often don’t realize how much we truly value something until it’s too late. So this month, take special measures to avoid compromising the structural integrity of your skin, which is responsible for keeping all your organs inside you.
PISCES – Feb. 19 – March 20 / March 11 – April 18
If you’ve been waiting for a sign, this is it: Don’t do it. Just don’t. What were you even thinking?
ARIES – March 21 – April 19 / April 18 – May 13
The stars say they’re sorry for telling your socially-awkward lab partner that the time was ripe for bold romantic advances last week – but at least now you can laugh openly with your horrible friends about a wretched oily pariah who likes you.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20 / May 13 – June 21
When you encounter the love of your life this weekend at a mutual friend’s party, you will be forced to listen to vast swaths of personal history of which you are already intimately aware from browsing every one of his/her tagged photos on Facebook.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20 / June 21 – July 20
Sometimes the best option is to keep your mouth shut. For example, the stars recognize it’s no use telling you that your manner of dress screams “attention whore” because that pretty much just fuels your fire.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22 / July 20 – Aug. 10
Keeping it all “bottled up” inside of you to spare others the inconvenience may be well-intended, but it’s certainly not doing you or anyone else any good and, sooner or later, you’re going to have to urinate.
LEO – July 23 – Aug. 22 / Aug. 10 – Sep. 16
The stars urge you to consider the subjectivity of the statement “the truth shall set you free” when you’re being questioned this weekend by the Richmond Police.
VIRGO – Aug. 23 – Sep. 22 / Sep. 16 – Oct. 30
Take solace in the knowledge that your friends’, family’s and loved ones’ concern is well-intended. Remind them patiently that love is a beautiful thing that comes in all flavors and that what you do with dog collars is your own business.
LIBRA – Sep. 23 – Oct. 22 / Oct. 30 – Nov. 23
The stars say they’ve “had it up to here” with you and will discuss your future as foretold by the cosmos when you’re “ready to quit being a gigantic (…) bitch.”
SCORPIO – Oct. 23 – Nov. 21 / Nov. 23 – Nov. 29
When messy, plainly visible and frankly shocking disaster befalls you in front of your potential soulmate this month, remember that there are few social crises that can’t be solved by adorable animals on YouTube.
OPHIUCUS – Nov. 29 – Dec. 17
You are in a position of serious and immediate danger from anyone you witness this month wearing a North Face jacket.
SAGITTARIUS – Nov. 22 – Dec. 21 / Dec. 17 – Jan. 20
The stars had something important to tell you, but they’re super late for a class/meeting/meeting for class and totally think you guys should meet at Starbucks later or something and catch up.
CAPRICORN – Dec. 22 – Jan. 19 / Jan. 20 – Feb. 16
The position of Jupiter indicates you will find yourself approximately three minutes older this month after reading a backpages article in the arts and entertainment section of your college newspaper.
