Things I would rather do instead of sit through ‘Street Fighter’ for a second time

1. Beer bong Drain-O:

Why?: Because then I would be dead and thus no longer exist in a world that released movies like “Streetfighter: The Legend of Chun-Li.” This movie has no redeemable value and solely exists to make money by exploiting the sizeable pre-existing Chun-Li fan base and by capitalizing off the highly anticipated release of the “Street Fighter IV” videogame this February. Why should a producer invest in such formalities as plot, dialogue or decently choreographed action sequences when fan-boys are going to pay the $10 price of admission no matter what? To put it concisely: this movie represents everything wrong with American cinema.

2. Have a lobotomy performed on me by a drunken orangutan:

Why?: Because then I would be an imbecile and thus may find the plot of “The Legend of Chun-Li” mildly engrossing. As it stands now, it’s about as captivating as a two-day-old cheeseburger. The story follows Chun-Li on her journey to avenge her father’s abduction and murder by the evil Gen M. Bison. This begs the question: why did Bison kidnap Chun-Li’s father? Because he was “well-connected.” Does this motive merit some explanation? Not according to director Andrzej Bartkowiak.

Another question might be: why is Bison so evil? Maybe it is because he performed an ancient ritual that allowed him to lose his conscience. What is his diabolical plan now that he has no conscience? Lower property values on the Bangkok waterfront so he can buy up the slums at a cheap price and then build “beautiful houses . for those who can afford them.” Isn’t that just gentrification? Yes. Does this movie have a blatantly obvious and poorly expressed moral message tacked on? You better bet your bottom dollar it does.

3. Wash my eyes with sulfuric acid:

Why?: Because then I would never have to see another film featuring Kristin Kreuk, Moon Bloodgood or Chris Klein again. Kreuk, who plays the title character of Chun-Li, is simply not talented-at all. Bloodgood must have attended the Mischa Barton School of Acting and failed out. The self-satisfied delivery of her lines makes me think she literally read the script, said the line, and then cashed the check, in a 15-minute span of time. But, the best of the worst is Chris Klein. Remember him? He was Oz from “American Pie.” His portrayal of Interpol agent Charlie Nash is what a maladjusted eight-year-old boy’s conception of cool is. For the rest of us, he is hands down, the worst movie or television cop of all time. His one-liners make Lennie Briscoe sound like Shakespeare and he holds a gun like he learned how by watching “Hawaii Five-O.” He is a caricature of every bad cop cliché rolled into one with a receding hairline.

4. Walk into a Marine Corp barracks and begin urinating on a drill instructor’s boot:

Why?: Because at least then I would get to see some decent fighting moves before I get pummeled to death. It’s not that the fight sequences in “The Legend of Chun-Li” are the worst to ever be put on to celluloid; they’re simply unexceptional and short-most of them are under a minute. After the initial fight scene that opens the movie, you have to sit through 30 long minutes of character building and plot development before you see anyone else get roughed up. And yes, I’m using the terms “character building” and “plot development” loosely.

5. Empty an entire bottle of instant cement into each ear:

Why?: So then I would never have to hear such contrived dialogue like that of “The Legend of Chun-Li.” The script is laughable. Seriously, I’m pretty sure I saw Michael Clark Duncan crack up while he was delivering one of his lines. Every Asian actor spouts pseudo-Confucian wisdoms, all of which sound like fortune cookie rejects. Neal McDonough, who plays the villain Bison, runs the gamut on fake accents. He also delivers my personal favorite line in the film: “One thing I learned in the slums, there’s nothing (people) won’t do when they’re hungry . (long dramatic pause) . everyone has a price.” But the cake goes to the exchanges between Bloodgood and Klein, which I’m assuming were supposed to be witty/sexy banters but were obviously written by a virgin because no sexually active person could ever be seduced by the things which come out of these people’s mouths.

6. Make love to a snow monkey and then take it home to meet my parents:

Why?: Because I would still have more self-respect than I do now for having paid $8 to see this film.