HOROSCOPES | February

AQUARIUS
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

As your father used to say, “Oh God, oh God, I’m living a nightmare, oh God.”

PISCES
Feb. 19 – March 20

While well-written and engaging, your autobiographical account of the fourteen years of your life spent in solitary, unlawful captivity in a stranger’s basement makes for a depressing read. It would make a fabulous musical, however.

ARIES
March 21 – April 19

No one cares about your stupid fortune.

TAURUS
April 20 – May 20

Validation is yours this month when you make “People” magazine’s list of the Top 10 Most Tiresome People of 2012.

GEMINI
May 21 – June 20

When you catch the seasonal flu next week, remember that your education is ultimately more important than sparing a 300-person lecture hall your harrowing Bubonic projectile death rattles.

CANCER
June 21 – July 22

Finding yourself bored and in need of a roller coaster ride of human emotion this month, simply begin and carry to completion any line of thought beginning with the design and purpose of a pom-pom.

LEO
July 23 – Aug. 22

Later this month will see you reunited with a long-lost love, as soon as the last of the snow melts.

VIRGO
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Your uncanny ability to relate any day-to-day situation to a brief reminisce of a “Seinfeld” episode doesn’t reflect badly on you; it reflects disastrously on you.

LIBRA
Sep. 23 – Oct. 22

Rejection and heartbreak this Valentine’s Day will lead your distinction in literary history as the worst poet ever.

SCORPIO
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You will return from a weekend visit home to find British boy band One Direction member Harry Styles in your living room, taking back his furniture.

SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Bystanders to your trip to the vending machine will be unable to explain to police what happened after the blinding flash.

CAPRICORN
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

The cosmos regret that Capricorn has been canceled this month to allow adequate ink for VCU vs. Fordham coverage.