JANUARY HOROSCOPES | Guaranteed 100% accurate

AQUARIUS
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
According to Jupiter, the solutions to your troubling questions and uncertainties will soon make themselves known to you if you’d just watch the movie.

PISCES
Feb. 19 – March 20
Your astrological sign – the fish – indicates that primitive peoples once assigned anthropomorphic identities to the stars.

ARIES
March 21 – April 19
Vindication is yours this month when your crippling, lifelong fear of clarinets turns out to be justified.

TAURUS
April 20 – May 20
An international dance craze is born this month when your attempt to jump a fence inspires the RVA Barbed-Wire Yee-Haw.

GEMINI
May 21 – June 20
You decide on “Muffin” as a nickname for your new significant other because they aren’t a person at all, but an oat bran muffin.

CANCER
June 21 – July 22
Disappointment awaits at the U.S. Patent Office, where you learn that people have been allowing milk from cows’ teats to coagulate into solid molds for many centuries.

LEO
July 23 – Aug. 22
You will drown in forty gallons of hot, sudsy water this month when you neglect to remove your clothes before washing them.

VIRGO
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Careful observation of the stars reveals they are moving apart at an astounding rate, due to expansion in the fabric of space portending the eventual heat death of the universe. This has little to no effect on your month.

LIBRA
Sep. 23 – Oct. 22
Though nothing of even passing interest happens to you this month, this will not stop you from providing peers and co-workers with drivelling, micro-detailed recountings of every last profoundly meaningless second.

SCORPIO
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
You will be trapped in an enclosed space with a group of people who really, really care about Oscar nominations.

SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Your acquisition of a fifth housecat this month – which you name “Zayn” after British boy band One Direction member Zayn Malik, and which joins “Niall,” “Liam,” “Harry,” and “Louis” to complete your One Direction kitty collection – permanently and officially signals your withdrawal from human society.

CAPRICORN
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
A divided Congress will finally come together this month in their desire to see you shave that ridiculous moustache already.