CT HOROSCOPES for January | Guaranteed 100% accurate

AQUARIUS – Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Constantly complaining of your uncomeliness, slow wit, and lack of future of any kind, you never stop to give yourself credit for your firm attunement with reality.

PISCES – Feb. 19 – March 20

You will fail to keep your 2012 New Year’s resolution to avoid arbitrary, halfhearted non-plans to eventually improve things.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

Venus ascendant in Aries indicates that this month’s agonizing dissolution of a two-year relationship is neither your fault nor your ex-partner’s, but rather that of a backwards society that views interspecies passion as somehow “wrong”.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

As a Taurus, you’ve always been able to make fast friends with most anyone you meet. This is because you don’t think very hard about anything at all and lack even basic opinions.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

As Grandma certainly knew, the best-tasting meals are those shared with loved ones. This month, make loved ones out of complete strangers by ingesting your entire onion-, garlic- and mayonnaise-dripping sub in the middle of Cabell Library’s computer lab.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

Your UNIV200 paper will discover something completely new about animal rights.

LEO – July 23 – Aug. 22

The terrifying, inexorable wheels of fate are setting events in motion even now that will forever brand you as “the guy/girl who won’t flip out if you [defecate] in his/her fridge”.

VIRGO – Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Although some questions can only be answered by searching deep within yourself, whatever happened to your left kidney is not one of them.

LIBRA – Sep. 23 – Oct. 22

The constellation Libra, in conjunction with the Commonwealth Times Astrology Department, wishes to remind readers that minutes lost while reading CT Horoscopes are not subject to replacement or reimbursement by the Commonwealth Times, the cosmos, or their affiliates.

SCORPIO – Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Like a rainbow at the end of a rainstorm, here approaches malaria at the end of a blowdart.

SAGITTARIUS – Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

You will, through no doing of your own, receive as much as 20% off on your next major purchase.

CAPRICORN – Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

There are a million reasons you shouldn’t give up hope on one day finding true love. None of them are very good reasons.