Cake seduction

There is no doubt that desserts can definitely be an aphrodisiac. From chocolate-covered strawberries to the tasty treats you dropped a bundle on from the bakery down the street for your anniversary, but where does cake fall in?

If you think about it, baking a cake (or cupcakes) for somebody can mean a lot more than a nice gesture nowadays. We have always heard that food is the way to the heart and we all know everyone likes cake.

Therefore, it makes sense that if you are trying to seduce somebody, get them to break up with you, or even if you just want to be friends, the best way to say it is through the wonderful language of cake.

Sure, the empowered woman doesn’t need to bake anything for a man, and men should do all the baking, but we’re not talking about barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen-in fact, proper footwear is recommended. Baking can get intense.

Ladies and gentlemen, make sure your baking is up to par and take note of what this list of baked goods means. It’s not official, but it should be

 Red velvet cake with cream cheese icing: Nothing says, “I want to do you” more than baking a red velvet cake for somebody. Added points if you made cupcakes and put a chocolate Hershey’s Kiss in the center.

Red velvet cake is scrumptious and downright scandalous. It can be the Angelina Jolie of cakes – a home wrecker – so watch out. If somebody brings your significant other red velvet cake, keep a close eye on the situation, they mean business.

 German chocolate cake: This cake says “no frills commitment.” This person probably likes you, but doesn’t want to limit their options. Chocolate is universal – except for the freaks that hate it – so keep in mind, this person could be baking 10 other German chocolate cakes for their other lovers, too.

 Funfetti: Fun and innocent, Funfetti is what you bring to your nephew’s 5th birthday. This cake brings back the sweet childhood memories of birthdays, tree climbing and jumping on trampolines. Nothing is as fun as Funfetti cake. You don’t want any drama; you just want to eat some cake with some good company.

 Yellow cake with chocolate icing; OK, you mildly like this person. Maybe it’s a new friend whose birthday is around the corner and you want to do something nice. Yellow cake with chocolate icing is the procrastinator’s baking solution. Easy to make, and you probably won’t have to worry about your new friend’s picky eating habits because everyone likes yellow cake.

However, if it is yellow cake with vanilla, this person probably doesn’t like you very much and their mom might have made the cake for you.

 Strawberry shortcake: This is the brotherly love of cakes. Definitely a summer cake, this cake just wants to be loved by everyone. Not appropriate to bake in winter. Bottom line.

 Double-chocolate cake: This not only says seduction, but passion and sensuality. This cake wants to make love. Bonus points for adding a raspberry layer and/or strawberries. This cake is deeply sexual and deeply meaningful.

 Angel food cake: Despite its random popularity. Angel food cake is gross. This is what you bought on sale at Kroger when you remembered you said you would bake your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend something and kicked yourself immediately after making that promise. Angel food cake is what you bring to your “fake friends” and enemies.

 Cheesecake: If red velvet and double chocolate cakes are sexy, this cake is full of committed love. The person that baked the cheesecake for you will love you no matter what, wants to get old and fat with you, and will take walks with you on Sunday mornings.

It is a given that there are a about a million different types of cake out there. Of course I didn’t list them all, but hopefully this gives you a rough idea of what to expect the next time somebody graciously offers you a slice of (hopefully) yummy cake.