GOP Rushes Limbaugh

Around the time of Barack Obama’s inauguration, right-wing radio host Rush Limbaugh made headlines for some reason when he belched “I hope he fails!” White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, whom I like to think of as the Wolverine to Obama’s Captain America, responded by scornfully referring to Limbaugh as “the leader of the Republican party.” He was vindicated soon enough. In the next months, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele, Rep. Phil Gingrey and South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford all made dismissive remarks about Limbaugh and delivered subservient apologies almost immediately afterwards.

So here’s my question, and I apologize if I’m blunt: Mr. Emanuel, are you a Republican spy? OK, then why are you talking about Rush Limbaugh being the face of the GOP like it’s a bad thing? If you’re part of one ideology and the other side appoints as their representative a thrice-divorced junkie, sucking on a Freud-brand cigar as his fifth chin quivers hypnotically, don’t you see that as kind of a GOOD thing?

Just think about it for a second: Every one of the favorite conservative talking points shoots itself in the foot under the flag of El Rushbo. Democrats are soft on crime? Your party is led by a drug abuser. Democrats are weak on defense? Your party leader got out of Vietnam by way of a pimple on his rear end. Democrats want a welfare state? Your party is led by a former welfare recipient.

President Barack Obama is treated like the Messiah? Your party leader says he has “talent on loan from God.” Because you know, as annoying as they can be, undecided voters can make or break anyone and any party, and even they’re not obstinate enough to gravitate toward a party led by a guy who thinks it’s the height of wit to shake his arms around imitating Michael J. Fox. Well, unless someone takes a picture of his opponent wearing a tank helmet.

But most of all, Limbaugh demonstrates just how dishonest his party is whenever it tries to seem populist, when it claims it cares about the little guy. Limbaugh is an obese, egomaniacal, multimillionaire who thinks anyone with less money than him is scum and calls anti-war troops “phony soldiers.” This is the new millennium’s Republican Party.

Please, GOP, PLEASE unite behind Rush Limbaugh. It’ll be your most hilariously self-defeating move since having all those unfaithful husbands in Congress go after Clinton in the late ’90s.