If all celebrities were Jewish.

It is no secret that for a long time, Jewish people ran Hollywood. For the most part this is still true, with some exceptions. But what if all of them were Jewish? Especially all of the awful ones? Remember, it is never too late to seek out your local Rabbi and start practicing Kabbalah.

1 Miley Cyrus

If Miley was Jewish, the first thing she would do is nix the promise ring. Then, there would be a very special upcoming “Hannah Montana” bat mitzvah episode. Even though Miley/Hannah is like 17 now or something, she gets special permission from her synagogue to have a “late” bat mitzvah because she was too busy building her music career when she was 13.
However, when Miley tries to have both her and her alter-ego bat mitzvahed without her Rabbi finding out-hilarity ensues. Be sure to watch.

2 The Jonas Brothers

They would also stop straightening their hair to let their Jew-fros shine proudly on tour. Not much else would change, except they would become more awkward, witty and would not have gotten to upset at British comedian Russell Brand at the MTV awards for making fun of their promise rings.

3 Britney Spears

Are there Jews from Louisiana? Probably not, but if Britney were Jewish, she wouldn’t be Britney Spears. She probably would be a less-smart version of Chelsea Handler. She would not have tried to have her children’s teeth whitened approximately three days after they grew teeth-any good Jewish mother knows her little boys are going to grow up to be rich doctors, lawyers and accountants and no woman will ever be good enough for them, so why should they even bother to look nice?

4 Paula Abdul

Paula Abdul. Forget it. We don’t want her. However, we would trade her for Amy Winehouse, if the opportunity presented itself.

5 Tina Fey

A perfect example: she wears glasses and she always is talking about how awkward she is. Fey would be the best Jew ever-because she is also funny.

This is just the short list. The bottom line is if every celebrity was Jewish, the world would be a magical place filled with sunshine, butterflies and wonderful feelings all the time. The economy would pickup because there would be many more lavish bar and bat mitzvahs, which would mean employment opportunities. The world also would be filled with more Jewish mothers, so medical and law school enrollment would skyrocket, along with the obesity rate of Hollywood.

Just a little something for the mind to nosh on .

Catherine MacDonald and Daniel Zeese contributed to this column.

Clarification:
In the Thursday, March 5 issue of The Commonwealth Times, the Spectrum section ran a movie review of “Gomorra” written by contributing writer Will Patton. The headline ” ‘Gomorra’ feeds violent appetites,” selected by the Spectrum editors, did not reflect the appropriate tone of the film, which featured minimal violence. The Spectrum section apologizes for any misconception.