‘Sexpert’ speaks at VCU

Self-described “sexpert”, sex educator Jay Friedman spoke to VCU students Friday about the challenges of talking about sex.

“We have a natural desire to learn about sex, and further more we have a natural desire to enjoy sex,” Friedman said. “Sex is good. It’s what we learn about sex that’s not so good.”

Friedman presented his lecture “The J-Spot: A Sex Educator Tells All” to talk about the different perspectives males and females have about sex. According to Friedman, there are three pressures guys face when they’re growing up that make them act differently than girls when it comes to sex.

The first pressure Friedman called “locker-room talk,” referring to the conversations sport players have in the locker room, asking each other how they “scored” the night before.

Friedman’s Valentine’s Day tips

Use water-based lubricant in the reservoir tip of the condom.
• “You do this and wearing a condom would feel like a whole different ball game.”
• Practice Kegel exercises – repeatedly contracting and releasing the muscles at the base of the pelvis.

“Men, you do your Kegel’s. Just like for the women, it will increase your sexual strength and stamina.”

Another pressure Friedman explained was homophobia, or the fear that guys have from being perceived as gay. Friedman said people feed that fear when they call some guys “sissy, fag or girl.” Friedman specifically referred to using “girl” as a putdown.

“Well, folks, that offends me,” Friedman said. “That puts down half of our world’s population – our mothers, our daughters, our sisters, and perhaps our partners. But notice how sexism and homophobia get all tied together.”

The third pressure according to Friedman is the so-called “blue balls,” or the false belief that guys would “explode” if not finished during sexual intercourse.

“If this were true, you would hear explosions all over this campus every single night,” Friedman said. “It would be like the 4th of July in February around here.”

To overcome the differences in their perspectives and expectations about sex, Friedman said partners should be open about the limits they are ready and willing to reach at a certain time.

“You need to communicate, negotiate the type of sexual behavior that you are ready for,” Friedman said. “And if one or the other is not ready, that’s OK.”

Friedman referred to masturbation as a good way to reach pleasure when having a partner who is not ready to go all the way. On the subject of masturbation, Friedman quoted Woody Allen: “Masturbation, don’t knock it; it’s sex with someone I love.”

“Masturbation is the ultimate proof that we’re sexual beings,” Friedman said. “It’s normal if you do it, it’s normal if you don’t.”

Friedman also said masturbation is a perfect way to practice using condoms, which should be an important part of sex.

“Shopping for a condom should be like shopping for a car,” Friedman said. “With a hundred varieties available in the marketplace, you need to find the make, model, luxuries and features that feel best to you and whoever might ride along with you.”

A tip that Friedman told the audience is using water-based lubricant on the outside of a condom, as well as a drop of it in the reservoir tip of the prophylactic.

“You do this, and using a condom would feel like a whole different ball game,” Friedman. “Trust me.”

Friedman talked about the differences in perspectives of sex between the America and Europe, specifically Northern Europe. Friedman said as a tourist in Sweden he received a brochure with translations of phrases like “I love you,” “I want to sleep with you” and “I think I might have a disease.”

As a result of their open communication about sex, Friedman said developed countries in Europe have teen pregnancy, abortion, sexually transmitted disease and sexual assaults rates considerably lower than those in the United States.

“It’s because countries like those (Sweden and Netherlands) promote open communication about sex and provide quality comprehensive sex education in the schools,” Friedman said.

He also referred to violent movies being available to children in the states, as opposed to mild sexual scenes that raise controversial discussions. Friedman said “Star Wars” was rated an adult movie in parts of Europe because of violent scenes.

Friedman also recognized differences of in the perception of sex in different parts of America.

“Everywhere that you see the oceans of America, it tends to be very open-minded when it comes to sex,” Friedman said. “It’s when I come close to the center of the country that things start becoming more closed-minded and conservative.”

Organizators of the event said they were pleased with the turnout of the lecture. Whitney Scott, co-chair of the Ideas Committee under the Activity Programming Board, said her concerns that Friedman might not live up to the expectations of the public and the distributed advertisements for his lecture turned out to be unwarranted.

“He was funny (and) he was sexual,” Scott said. “I think he was right at point.”

Caitlin Manasco, graduate assistant of the APB, said considering that the lecture was on a Friday evening, she was happy with the turnout.

“I think he was definitely a speaker who could talk to the diverse population of VCU,” Manasco said. “I think everyone could relate to what he was saying and appreciate it, so I was really pleased with the turnout.”

Broadcast journalism junior Sasha Lester enjoyed the lecture and said she found it interesting and educational at the same time.

“I learned a lot of different things,” Lester said. “I liked the way he presented the information, it wasn’t in a boring way; it was entertaining.”

Friedman, who has been giving sex lectures for 22 years, said he was pleased to see such diversified audience focused on what he was saying.

“Our culture is increasingly more open when it comes to sex – there are a lot more images on TV and the movies,” Friedman said. “But I see the same ignorance, that doesn’t change, and adolescents . think they are immortal and think that bad things won’t happen to them, so that hasn’t changed.

“Furthermore, there is the same desperate need for break the taboos in talking about sex and getting people to talk about sex more openly.”