Your Turn: Letters to the Editor

I have recently become aware that some astronomers are considering demoting the planet Pluto to a designation of mere asteroid, and I am wondering if these individuals are aware of the potential consequences of such a step. Were this change approved and implemented, it would mean the destruction of a long-standing scholastic tradition, as well as the undermining of the most basic element in the learning of interplanetary astronomy all over the English-speaking world.

I am referring, of course, to the mnemonic device “My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pickles,” which is used by students everywhere to remember the names of the nine planets in order. If Pluto were no longer to be considered a planet, then what exactly would our very educated mother serve nine of? Nine anchovy-stuffed pretzels? Nine boiled rutabagas? Nine what?

If Pluto were no longer to be considered a planet, then what exactly would our very educated mother serve nine of?

I’m sure I don’t need to point out the fact that neither science nor proper English composition standards can easily tolerate such a mystery. Indeed, science is in the business of eliminating such things. (Never mind the fact that it will never succeed. Just look at particle physics – the more they dig, the more mystery they find.) Even if our learned scholars disagree over whether it’s a good idea to reduce life’s perennial questions to mere equations and numbers, surely they can agree that astronomy students don’t need to have more mysteries heaped on top of, “I wonder how much of chapter 13 the old coot will put on the midterm?” and “I wonder if I solved the equation for that eccentric orbit correctly on the last quiz?”

I’m sure that posterity would extend its everlasting appreciation to these astronomers if the proposed change were changed. Instead of demoting Pluto to asteroid status, instead promote Neptune to dead star. That way there would be far less confusion for everybody, because we would still know, as we have from time immemorial, that we are having pickles for dinner, since the P for Pluto would still be there – just not how many of them, since the nine from Neptune would be absent.

The question of how many, however, is not as important an issue grammatically, astronomically or gastronomically. Plus this alternate arrangement would still accomplish the real goal of the proposed change, which is to reduce the number of planets from nine to the number of slices in a large pepperoni pizza – exactly eight. And when it comes out of the oven, I want first dibs on the biggest slice.

Sincerely,

Peter LaBorde

Richmond, Virginia

Editor’s note: Pluto’s planetary status has been put into question by the discovery of other bodies in the outer solar system. As of press time, the International Astronomical Union is expected to take a final vote on the matter later today.