I come bearing punchlines
Burning down the house
In a performance that would have turned Dr. Naismith’s peach basket into kindling, Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant scored 81 points in a win over the Toronto Raptors, hitting 28 of 46 shots and 7 of 13 threes.
Upon hearing the news, Dallas Mavericks something or other Keith Van Horn asked, “How many assists?”
Upon hearing Van Horn’s comments, the entire world responded, “Van Horn? That’s the guy with the socks, right?”
Kobe’s 81 points were second only to the late, great Wilt Chamberlain, who hit the magic number of 100 when he led the Philadelphia Warriors to a 169-147 win over the New York Knicks.
Burning down the house
In a performance that would have turned Dr. Naismith’s peach basket into kindling, Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant scored 81 points in a win over the Toronto Raptors, hitting 28 of 46 shots and 7 of 13 threes.
Upon hearing the news, Dallas Mavericks something or other Keith Van Horn asked, “How many assists?”
Upon hearing Van Horn’s comments, the entire world responded, “Van Horn? That’s the guy with the socks, right?”
Kobe’s 81 points were second only to the late, great Wilt Chamberlain, who hit the magic number of 100 when he led the Philadelphia Warriors to a 169-147 win over the New York Knicks.
One of The Big Dipper’s other magic numbers: 20,000.
Given Bryant’s prior record, that’s a number he’ll be staying away from.
Looking out for number one
While taking in a few strokes at the Juan Marichal Golf Classic, San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds dismissed manager Felipe Alou’s idea of bumping him up in the order to get him more at bats, saying No. 2 “doesn’t work” for him.
The thing is, it’s his No. 1 that everyone’s worried about.
Out of the pot
Tim Nardiello will not reassume his post as coach of the U.S. skeleton team after beating charges of sexually harassing two team members. The sport, for the uninitiated, essentially times people as they rush down a hill on highfaluting frying pans.
When asked for a comment, the 40-year-old virgin asked, “So what exactly did the coach do with the frying pan?”
Trento is a tough town
The Olympic torch relay was briefly interrupted as it passed through Trento, Italy, when four protesters calling themselves “the disobedient ones” snatched the torch from track and field star Eleanora Berlanda.
Hey give her a break – it’s the Winter Olympics. She’s got two whole years to get in game shape.
That’ll teach you!
In the spirit of Sunday’s AFC championship game, John Kelly, a high school teacher in Beaver Falls, Pa., humiliated 17-year-old student Joshua Vannoy during an ethnicity class by making the boy – “a stinking Broncos fan” in Kelly’s words – sit on the floor as other students threw wads of paper his way.
The teacher defended himself by saying, “If he felt uncomfortable, then that’s a lesson; that’s what [the class] is designed to do.”
Hey, I know no child’s supposed to be left behind and all, but the kid was wearing an Elway jersey.
OK. OK. I’m all out. Big weekend coming up. Try not to get mad if somebody scuffs your Pumas.