Of pandas and people

Are you a panda? I’m a panda, and my friends hold it against me.

By “panda,” I mean a person who wouldn’t reproduce to save their species. For example, let’s say there were a nuclear attack or a zombie invasion and you and 49 other people made it onto a remote island with supplies and had to create a new civilization.

Now eventually you and the other survivors would have to reproduce a great deal to keep a good population going. I have heard that every female would have to bear roughly 10 children, and I’ve decided I wouldn’t do it. I just don’t care about saving the human race that much.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s not the sex with random male survivors that’s the big issue. It’s not favorable, but it’s perfectly bearable. But having to produce 10 children, on the other hand, is too much.

It’s one thing to take one for the team, but it’s something wholly different to have to push one out for the team – let alone 10. Five children wouldn’t be so bad. It would be painful and difficult, but it’s not asking for too much.

Yet there are limits; we can’t all do a Kennedy. At least I know I won’t, and I’d never try to. I’m Protestant and have narrow hips; I should receive an exemption.

Besides, who would really want to live in a destroyed world? So much of the quality of life would be gone.

What would happen to the hope for traveling the world, finding true love, learning about any subject under the sun and enjoying a variety of great fashion, entertainment and food? What would happen to all the wonderful options and possibilities we cherish? I’d rather off myself than live in a world stripped of so much delight.

On behalf of all the pandas, I apologize to every bunny. It may be rather selfish, but I’m sure that most of the survivalists who want pandas to procreate are also hardcore enough to push, shove and kick other people out of the way to stay safe.

So I assume that many of them are pretty selfish, too, and can die a sad, fruitless death for all I care.

I don’t think people should judge pandas. Some people just don’t have enough of a survival instinct to squeeze out a litter for the sake of a feeble population in a wasted world.

Though if it makes any survivalists feel better, I’m always ready and willing to be used as zombie bait. And if there is a nuclear attack, I have no problem with people using my dead body for meat. In I fact I’d bet I go well with a dash of soy sauce.

Lisa Chun may be reached at bureacrat85@yahoo.com