Godzilla, Trani battle for Richmond

Some Richmond residents were shocked Wednesday when Godzilla emerged from the James River and started stomping his way uptown toward the VCU campus.

Many speculated on the purpose of the monster’s visit to Richmond. Too much Kepone still lingering in the riverbanks? Anger at the ghost fleet that sits just down the river near Williamsburg? Were the levels of nitrogen and phosphorus in the Chesapeake Bay too high?

All worthy speculations, but ultimately all were wrong. As the ferocious creature lumbered closer to Founder’s Hall residents from a Carver-Oregon Hill collective watched with satisfaction.

Jessie Potts, president of A Carver-Oregon Hill Response Network, explained the presence of the behemoth.

“We here at ACOHRN have grown weary of VCU’s expansion into Richmond,” he said. “We understand the need for quality higher education in Virginia, and certainly sympathize with VCU’s need for space – but we also felt it was time to teach (VCU President Eugene) Trani a lesson.”

Students watched as the beast made its way up through the financial district, its giant tail swiping away cars like bits of plastic. It looked like the end for the university.

“I really thought, ‘Oh my God, this is the end,'” Janice Awkward, a senior biology major said. “I called my mom to tell her I loved her and just watched from the balcony of my overpriced apartment in the Fan.”

Jeremy Keene, a junior resident assistant in Johnson Hall, said the view from his 12th floor room was perfect.

“I could count the scales on his snubby snout,” Keene said. “I never believed something like this could happen here – all I could do was watch with terror and hope it didn’t come this way.”

Before Godzilla could even reach the 6th Street construction VCU was already responding to the attack.

Running down Broad Street came Eugene Trani, VCU’s president, and caught the monster with a right hook that gave the monster pause.

The physics departments’ Gigantatronization Beam enhanced Trani’s height and strength and the fashion design program provided the battle gear for the 350-foot president.

While Godzilla was still stunned from the blow, VCU’s RodneyZord fell down from above and caught the giant lizard with a left foot to the right eye, sending him tumbling back down toward the Bottom.

The RodneyZord is the result of a joint program between the mechanical and electrical engineering programs with the inception of the School of Engineering in 1996.

Paul Timmreck, VCU’s senior vice president for finance and administration and acting provost for monster affairs, said the university administration had prepared vigorously for this eventuality.

“Over the past 10 years the administration has run countless drills, exercises, weekend retreats and models detailing what we as a university could expect in the event of a monster attack and what steps we could take to prevent harm from befalling our students,” Timmreck said.

“We understand that the city can be a dangerous place to live, so naturally the safety of our students comes first. Be it hurricane, blizzard, fire, earthquake or the attack of a 400-foot lizard – we want the community to know we’re prepared.”

The battle between the three forces waged for over an hour, but never made its way past Third Street Diner.

When all was said and done, Richmond’s financial district laid almost entirely in ruins and many people suffered talking out of sync with their mouths for days afterward – but there were no deaths.

Godzilla was subdued and carried down Interstate 64 to be returned to the ocean by an elite squad of soldiers and scientists.

Potts said he thought VCU’s reaction to the attack was unnecessary and harmful to the Richmond aesthetic.

“Look at all the ruin their response has caused the city. Great buildings lay in waste because of them,” he proclaimed while in police captivity.

“If they had just let Godzilla attack VCU, punch a few holes in the Temple Building, maybe spit a fireball at the Life Sciences Building, everything would have been okay. Instead, they come out with guns blazing and the city suffers.”

Potts is being held in policy custody on counts of malicious assault, terrorist activity and raising a gigantic monster for the purpose of destruction.

Trani said he has not yet decided what legal action to take against ACOHRN.

“At this point the first thing we want is an apology,” he said. “And the second thing we want is permission to expand down to the James River. Barring that, our lawyers are looking into legal recourse.”