Zodiac Cookies

Taurus: This week you get fazizzled, whatever that means.

Gemini: You can fix things. If you’re buying a pet, be sure to remember that.

Cancer: You score a home run. Maybe you should have just driven.

Leo: You get a real kick in the head. Take heart, you could get kicked in worse places.

Virgo: You discover new-found inner strength. It must be from all the crunches.

Libra: You emanate class from every pore. Wait, that’s not class.

Scorpio: Don’t break a leg, but do well anyway.

Sagittarius: Papa’s got a brand new bag. Unfortunately, it’s a Prada knock-off.

Capricorn: You’re cursed. People swear at you. It’s not a big deal.

Aquarius: Two birds go down with one stone when you decide to get a new job as a gigolo.

Pisces: Opportunity takes the form of a chance to do something.

Aries: Don’t be a loose cannon. Nobody ever complains about tight cannons.