Fishy pizza in the Commons and nocturnal testing in the gym

Dear Bob,

Have you ever flipped over a piece of pizza from the Commons and studied it?

It looks like it has fish scales on it. Why Bob, why must this be?

The Pizza Princess

Why princess, I have spent many an hour pondering this exact oddity. However, before we get to that, are you any relation to Princess Toadstool? If you are, please invite her to the party Mario is throwing. This Mario Party will involve lots of game playing and coin acquisition.

If you are not, then ignore that last paragraph you just read.

On to the pizza…

The secret of the highly addictive nature of the Commons pizza is the fish scales. Each pizza is actually cooked on a bed of fish. No one really knows why this is done, though my extensive testing has revealed there is a link between the addictive nature of the Commons pizza and fish.

These are a special breed of fish VCU has been breeding in the Siegel Center swimming pool. These fish contain a special enzyme that is being developed for use in drug treatment. This fish, when prepared correctly, will become the most addictive substance on the planet.

This will cause the drug user to lose dependence on the drugs and become addicted to the fish.

You may be questioning my data on the existence of the swimming pool in the Siegel Center. You’ve never seen it, I’ve never seen it. But let me assure you, it’s there. The pool is located deep below the Siegel Center’s unassuming facade as a gym and sports arena. It is actually a secret laboratory.

Have you ever gone to the exercise room and seen more giggling girls and strutting men than people actually working out? I rest my case.

Do not attempt to release information about this fish. VCU will simply deny its existence. There is no fish, they will say. Even if you show them the pizza and explain to them all that I’ve explained here, they will simply brush you off.

So remember kids, there is no fish. No illegal fish enhancements are being made at VCU and there is nothing suspicious about the smells being emitted from various restrooms around campus.

It is all your imagination; it is but a glitch in the matrix.

 

Bob’s ponderings:

Mole people, the Siegel Center and S.P.E.N.D.E.R

It is 3:49 a.m. and there are lights on at the Siegel Center. What are they doing on at this hour?

You remember those fish? Well forget it that was the last question.

The lights are on the Late Night Mole People Basketball League. The LNMPBL is a place for all those mole people that must live out their entire lives underground. Their only time to come to the surface is at night because of S.P.E.N.D.E.R. (Squandering Precious Energy Needlessly Depriving Everyone of Resources). These fine Mole People must now come to the surface only at night. S.P.E.N.D.E.R. is also responsible for the recent addition of VCU to the Winston Cup Racing circuit. Seeing as how having a race car painted with VCU colors and logos is far more important than having enough class offerings and professors to fill the classes S.P.E.N.D.E.R. jumped up and down giddily in pure delight with their chance to put the plan into action.

Now the poor mole people, who used to enjoy the comfort and knowledge of the library, are forced to use the gym as their place of nocturnal recreation.

This unfortunate turn of events have made the mole people very angry and they are asking VCU to please remove their ban on using Cabell Library while it is closed.

Instead, it is being used to test biological weapons, as outlined in the last edition.

If you missed it, please point your little finger to the address bar in your browser of choice and type in “www.commonwealthtimes.com” and proceed to sign up. This will give you access forever to the Web site and the e-mail editions that are released with each new issue.

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Choosy moms choose Jif, and choosey readers choose The Commonwealth Times or TCT if you want to have a cool acronym like JIF.

 

The most important column you will ever read and I meant it, really.

Recently, a friend pointed out to me that apparently many people read my column, not many people write in. And more often than not, there is more of Bob musing and pondering than actual question answering.

While this is unfortunate, it does give me a place and opportunity to write about the many things that I care to devote newspaper space to.

Today, this musing will be about relationships and how to keep them from turning stale and boring. Or in simpler terms, how to remain spontaneous and silly in long-tern relationships.

While I still feel that couches and love seats make excellent spouses and significant others, many of you are dating real living, breathing human beings. If this is not the case, please find yourself a couch to love. They are friends for life and can be picked up cheaply at your local thrift store. Diversity Thrift is an excellent place to look for clothing, electronics and couches. The people there are very nice and helpful. Go there, buy things, say thanks, or I will find out and grin menacingly at you.

 

 

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