Lesbians, stop being friends with your ex

Libby Jamison, Contributing Writer

Female relationships in all forms are a beautiful, complex thing. There is nothing like a deep female relationship, regardless if it is platonic or romantic. Women have so much to relate to and can converse about life and the tribulations of simply existing as women in today’s society. 

This creates deep bonds and is a large reason why lesbians can have such an intensity and depth to their relationship even in a short period of time. 

Even if there are no internal issues and it is a happy, healthy relationship, being a lesbian comes with its own hardships. An unspeakable bond is created by two women who have to jump through hurdles just to love each other. 

This connection can be hard to break after countless hours of deep conversations and leaning on each other for support in so many aspects of each other’s lives. Relationships can reach a level of emotional intimacy where your lives are so interconnected it seems impossible to see a life without that person in it. 

However, you must look forward after calling it quits.

There’s a stereotype of lesbians being friends or even roommates after they split. How can you move forward if you surround yourself with people from the past?

In my past heteronormative experiences, there was never the expectation of friendship after a breakup. Many do not believe men and women can only just be friends. Now, I sit here and ponder — why did I feel the need to please my ex and be her friend, regardless of my intuition and gut, knowing that it would not be good for me? 

This intense pressure I felt comes from this idea in lesbian culture that it is very normal to continue a friendship after a breakup. A deep friendship and being lovers can look very similar to each other.

Being friends can create more issues in the long run. If someone is in your life after an intimate relationship, it’s hard to grow and find who you are without that person. Learning how to be independent and engage in self-discovery are some of the most important aspects of being single. With this period of solitude, it is important to deeply focus on yourself.

There is a reason you broke up. Even if it was a healthy breakup, space and time are necessary in finding who you are and in figuring out who you will become. Going from sharing life stories and imagining a future with someone to sending a quick text with a response three days later is not an easy transition without good separation.

Since being a lesbian is such a beautiful and close-knit community, it is imperative to be respectful and have each other’s backs. However, that does not mean you need to be friends. 

Think of the future. After your breakup, you will eventually find someone who will fit your life better than you could have ever imagined. That possibility may be limited if you continue to have past people in your life and never move forward. 

It is time to move on and start this wave of independence. During a breakup, take the opportunity to see what life is like on your own and I promise it will be paid off in dividends. It is hard to walk away from someone who you love, but your future self will thank you.