CT Cupid’s advice column
Illustration by Lily Kirk.
Lauren Prattis, Audience Editor
Natalie McEwan, Opinions Editor
The Commonwealth Times staff asked for relationship advice and Cupid is here to answer!
Dear Cupid,
Why is his butt bigger than mine?
Insecure and flat, Nevaeh
Dear reader,
A recent article published by a top scientific journal has revealed that alongside the bird flu, male Brazilian butt lifts are also on the rise.
This surgery has been popularized by countless celebrities, from the Kardashian family to Drake. My instincts are telling me that he got this procedure done to make you jealous — a good partner would never do that.
This is definitely a sign that this relationship’s foundation isn’t as strong as it should be. In my professional opinion, you should leave this relationship; it’s for your own good.
Don’t fret, dear reader! Ending a relationship is never easy, but you never know if your new love is right around the corner.
Love, Cupid
Dear Cupid,
If a man likes my Instagram story is he in love with me?
Hopeless romantic, Zach
Dear reader,
Nothing makes my heart swoon like contemporary love. Since the dawn of time, I have seen mortals send each other coded messages to communicate their affections.
Obviously this man is in love with you — what other reason would he have to like your Instagram story?
Of course, Instagram stories alone won’t progress this connection to the beautiful situationship it could become. Don’t just swipe up on his story — make a bold move!
Go to his house and leave a box of chocolates at his door, maybe even with a beautiful, poetic note written in cut-out letters from magazines. That kind of initiative will bring this connection out of Instagram DM’s and into a blossoming romance.
Love, Cupid
Dear Cupid,
There is a smaller, more well-shaven version of me at work who wants to steal my girlfriend. What should I do?
Threatened by a lesbian, Dylan
Dear reader,
There is only one way you can fix this and win your girlfriend’s affections — a duel. You might think me extreme for suggesting this, but I’ve been around for a while and this is the secret that makes ladies swoon. That is if you win, of course.
Horse-jousting duels have fallen out of vogue for a while, but I have a new idea for our contemporary age. First, invite this scheming coworker to Monroe Park at the crack of dawn. There, you will both mount Spin scooters.
You also cannot use a sword. You probably don’t even have one, and that is OK. We can get creative — use your giant Owala water bottles to try and knock each other down from the scooters. Practically every college student seems to have one these days.
Win the duel, win your girlfriend’s heart back and triumph over that coworker once and for all. Just don’t lose — that would be super embarrassing and your girlfriend would probably leave you. Good luck!
Love, Cupid
Dear Cupid,
I think I have a stalker. If I find out he’s cute should I go for it? I already ate all the chocolates he left at my door.
Scared but intrigued, Ellie
Dear reader,
What a classic love story — those are hard to come by these days. Now, it is all about mutual admiration and agreement.
Back in the day, leaving gifts on a crush’s doorstep was a major compliment and a sign of the utmost respect from a suitor. You are stuck in the mindset that this is “stalking,” but I come from the school of thought that it’s just good old-fashioned courting.
Eating the chocolates is an invitation for the mystery man to return. To keep this good banter going, leave him a gift this time!
However, the fact that you don’t exactly know who left the chocolates for you makes this part difficult. If he left a note, read it again and again — something is bound to reveal his identity.
If that doesn’t work we need to think outside the box. We know he likes you and is bound to come back, so why not make sure he doesn’t leave until you know who he is?
This can be done in three easy steps.
Step one, build a human-sized, cruelty-free rodent trap and make sure that it blends in seamlessly with its surroundings — we don’t want to raise any suspicion from the neighbors.
Step two, fill the “trap” with all sorts of Valentine’s Day goodies. The final step is to sit and wait. Soon enough, your true love will be revealed.
Best of luck to you and please write back with the results.
Love, Cupid
