An Ode to Self-Care

Shaun Jackson
Staff Columnist

Recommended Listening While Reading: “Runnin’ Thru Lovers” – Sabrina Claudio

How do you deal with boys who just want to hook up when you have no interest in meaningless intimacy?

Well, naturally, the first thing I would recommend is not to deal with them at all, especially if you are clued-in to the fact that they want only to remain casual. However, I too am human, and would probably do the opposite of what I’m recommending. If that is the case and you know you want more than just a casual situationship, don’t lend yourself out and end up caught all in your feelings only to find them unrequited and unreciprocated. Always let your feelings be known and communicate them with whomever you may be talking to. But be sure to do that for those who are actually worthy of your intimacy.

How do you deal with some dude who won’t stop entering your life? He’s like a used car, he’s a good time but only for a few miles.

Oof, this one is always a doozy. It seems like you are way past being susceptible to the ever-agonizing game of emotional Russian Roulette that comes with dealing with an ex, or whatever the case may be. Good for you. Now my bottom line is this: do better! If you know that car is only good for a few miles and you have no desire to take it to the shop or try to fix it up, then simply don’t waste his and your time. It’s disrespectful to you and it’s disrespectful to him as you don’t want to continue to lead him on. It’s never a good idea to go over your mileage!

Recently, I was dating a nice girl. I got to know her and I liked almost everything about her. But I was waiting for “something” to just fall into place. Do you think that falling for someone happens in an instant like I do, or does it gradually come?

This is going to vary from person to person, but think for a second about the idea of attraction as a spectrum from 1 to 10. People at the lower end are people you aren’t too physically or romantically attracted to, and obviously higher numbers indicate an immediate attraction. I think it can happen quickly for folks like yourself. But what people fail to realize is that those intense, immediate attractions often blind us to the quality of our interactions with others, and to the actual characteristics of the people we desire to date. On the other hand, it can take attraction time to grow for some people. But these are few and far between, and no one is going to admittedly date in the middle of the spectrum — however, people tend to be happier and find lasting love when they do.

I need help. I consistently date/talk to men who are losers because I am afraid of being rejected by a man who I respect and admire. Every time I talk to a guy who I do admire I automatically assume they are not interested in me and we end up becoming friends. How do I break out of this cycle of dating uneducated, lethargic men when there are smart, responsible men all around me?    

When I think of rejection, I kind of think of the idiom “the truth hurts, but it will set you free.” I totally get where you’re coming from. Rejection is hard to face, but you’ll never find who you’re looking for if you’re shrouded in fear and self-depreciation. Dating is insufferable most of the time, but there are people worth suffering for. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and take control of your interpersonal relationships and let that slowly chip away at any insecurities you harbor. Insecurities are an ongoing battle, but there will come someone who will quell them with the pleasure of their company. You are worthy of love, never forget that.

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