CT HOROSCOPES for December | Guaranteed 100% accurate

AQUARIUS – Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Your one and your only, the one with whom you are destined to share true, lasting, unimaginable love, is out there walking the very same streets you walk every day, though careful observation of Taurus confirms it is not actually Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

PISCES – Feb. 19 – March 20

You don’t subscribe to ill-founded, heretical notions like the theory of evolution. You do, however, subscribe to “Cruel Wilhelm’s XXX Butt Hutt.”

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

The message sent to you this month from the farthest reaches of the cosmos arrived at the CT astrology office in kelly green Comic Sans and had to be destroyed.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

Your reasoning capacity will be called into question when, despite everyone’s strong advice, you decide to give the go-ahead to a winter invasion of Russia.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

A monumental opera about your life will be written, produced and premiered at the Metropolitan Opera in New York City this month, with the lead role acted and sung by Susan Boyle.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

After all these years of hateful shouting matches and insisting “It’s just a phase you’re going through,” this winter break will see you finally come to accept your parents’ homophobia.

LEO – July 23 – Aug. 22

Fame and fortune are yours this month when Stephen Spielberg selects, as his next project, your screenplay adaptation of Thoreau’s “Walden.”

VIRGO – Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

You’re known to classmates and colleagues alike for your take-no-prisoners attitude and unwillingness to settle for compromise, except when compromising their personal bubble and breathable air.

LIBRA – Sep. 23 – Oct. 22

Amuse yourself in your freezing apartment by pretending that each of your visible foggy breaths is actually a bit of your youth escaping irretrievably into the frosty air.

SCORPIO – Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Scorpio has been far too busy with finals coming up to portend your future this month, but it will gladly extinguish three of your life’s precious minutes telling you how busy it’s been with finals coming up.

SAGITTARIUS – Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

As a sentient human being, you possess the freedom to choose, and thus the potential to transcend your very nature through an act of will. This month, exercise your power over your own destiny by choosing a special holiday-themed Starbucks latte instead of the usual white mocha.

CAPRICORN – Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You will learn an important lesson about life and yourself this month after robbing a bank and jumping off a bridge just because all your friends did.