CT HOROSCOPES for October | Guaranteed 100% accurate

Nick Bonadies
Spectrum Editor
Commonwealth Times’ Twitter

AQUARIUS – Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Most people live their day-to-day lives as the protagonist of their own story – except for you who are, in fact, a supporting character in the story of your lab partner, Chris.

PISCES – Feb. 19 – March 20

Sometimes the best gift you can give others is a gift you give yourself. With the first brisk chills of autumn this month, take the opportunity to conceal the deathly pallor of your bulbous thighs from the sight of decent people with a nice warm pair of slacks.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

Even as you read these words, forces are being set in motion that will change the way you look at Stouffer’s™ “Dinner-for-One” microwave burritos for the rest of your natural life.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

According to Mercury’s position in Taurus this month, your life would be more pleasurable if certain aspects of it were not true.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

Instead of speaking with you directly this month, Gemini has posted on your refrigerator a list of grievances – among them your “abject refusal” to put down the toilet seat and “near-constant … loud walking” in the hall – which it will casually fail to mention next time you meet in person.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

Careful examination of the constellation Cancer reveals that the universe is expanding at a constant rate.

LEO – July 23 – Aug. 22

As is true the world over, most hatred and hostility directed towards you is actually just misunderstanding. Foster peace and brotherhood this month by incorporating the phrases “I’m not being racist, but” and “Just sayin’” into everyday conversation.

VIRGO – Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

The stars predict that this month, due to your excessive vanity, you probably think this horoscope is about you.

LIBRA – Sep. 23 – Oct. 22

Venus ascendant in Libra this month foretells good reason for hope in matters of love. However, Venus is lying to spare your feelings.

SCORPIO – Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You will be tearfully thanked by the Commonwealth Times editorial staff when internet footage of your self-sacrifice by immolation wins them their very first Pulitzer.

SAGITTARIUS – Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Your ever-growing, self-loathing and resultant alienation of those around you are, in fact, perfectly reasonable and logically sound courses of action. Keep it up!

CAPRICORN – Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Your enjoyment of a horoscope column in your university newspaper will be ruined by the thought of the untold acres of forest which perished in bringing it to you.