I can’t afford to regret my abortion
Illustration by Killian Goodale-Porter.
Natalie McEwan, Contributing Writer
As I sat in the Planned Parenthood waiting room in February, I tried to distract myself from my growing anxiety by watching celebrity renovations on HGTV. A light rain shower kept any protesters away from the empty parking lot, but my hands still trembled as I filled out paperwork.
HGTV was a decent distraction and I managed to calm down a bit. I even found myself laughing under my breath at one celebrity’s suggestion to put a slide in the middle of a home. When I saw the couple’s renovation budget, though, I felt an irrational nausea so sharp I had to look away from the television. I knew if that imaginary television couple’s renovation budget was my salary, I would not have stayed in that waiting room.
When I found out I was pregnant, I juggled many conflicting feelings: stress, grief, comfort, confusion and guilt. A part of me knew I always wanted to be a mother one day. Another part of me struggled to fathom how I would afford daycare prices that were double my rent.
The more I tried to draw up budgets and research my options, the more I realized I faced a choice between having a child and continuing my education. I would not have been able to stay in school without significant outside help. I could not put that pressure on my family members, and I was unwilling to sacrifice my education.
I had many conversations as I tried to figure out my choice. I went back and forth about my feelings with my partner, friends, family, trusted professors and the Planned Parenthood staff. I spoke to a VCU crisis counselor who let me talk through all my options without judgement. However, because I live in Virginia, my conversations never revolved around whether I could make the appointment I needed.
My partner and the counselor both told me an eye-opening piece of advice I had not previously considered. My decision was not whether or not I wanted to have a child, it was whether or not I wanted to have a child now. I could always plan to have children later in life.
Abortion access allows people to start families when the time is right for them. It helps people break out of poverty, finish their education, buy a house or move to a city that is right for them. For me, that time was not before I finished college. Though I did not choose to start a family then, I believe I made the choice that will allow me to have a stable, healthy family in the future.
People get abortion care for many different reasons. Some need an abortion to save their life. Some want to focus on their education or career. Some need to devote their time and resources to the children they already have. On the news, it may seem like a topic that is easy to generalize, but it is far from it.
By restricting abortion access, lawmakers take decisions out of the hands of pregnant people and into the hands of the government. Additionally, without social reforms like free school lunches, universal healthcare, maternity leave and affordable daycare, the choice to start a family in the United States is a large financial commitment. At best, these restrictions harm women’s mental health and financial security as they continue to seek abortions. At worst, abortion restrictions threaten women’s lives across the U.S.
The stigma around abortion, combined with the legal restrictions passed after Roe v. Wade was overturned, leaves women little room to cope with the complex realities of having an abortion. The night I took Misoprostol was the most physically painful night of my life, a laying-down-on-the-bathroom-tile-floor kind of pain I had no way of preparing myself for. And for many months I had trouble letting myself grieve my abortion. I punished myself with guilt. I took the words of anti-abortion protesters to heart.
Now, almost one year later, I do not regret my choice. I feel relieved I can navigate my financial stresses without having to provide for another human being. I feel grateful I am still in college, with higher grades and closer to graduating than ever before.
My story is one of many. There are countless people across the U.S. who seek abortions for many different reasons. These reasons are complex, varied and deserving of respect.
To deny us choice over our body is to deny us autonomy over our health, our finances, our education, our happiness and our freedom.
