March Horoscopes | Guaranteed 100 percent accurate

AQUARIUS 
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Careful analysis of the stars this month confirms that now is as good a time as ever to realize your actuality. However, this means absolutely nothing.

PISCES 
Feb. 19 – March 20

Your name lives on for eternity as the world’s first person to be bludgeoned to death with an éclair au chocolat.

ARIES 
March 21 – April 19

An age-old prophecy comes to fruition this month when Queen guitarist Brian May arrives unannounced at your front door and rocks you.

TAURUS
April 20 – May 20

With the arrival of March comes a desire for inner cleansing. For superior results, use an industrial-strength drain cleaner and hand-motored plumbing snake.

GEMINI
May 21 – June 20

Finding yourself bitten by the school spirit bug this month, remember that nothing says “Go Rams!” like submitting racist or sexist or homophobic garbage to VCU Confessions on Facebook.

CANCER
June 21 – July 22

Your hitherto unwavering faith in the power of the staple gun finally falters when it fails to mend your broken heart.

LEO
July 23 – Aug. 22

Hollywood actor James Franco’s popularity reaches an unprecedented high this week after a nationally televised pledge to skin you alive with his teeth.

VIRGO
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Everything you’ve ever desired will become yours this month, provided you do not under any circumstances read your CT horoscope.

LIBRA
Sep. 23 – Oct. 22

Libra regrets it cannot deliver this month’s fortune until November 2014 due to sequestration cuts.

SCORPIO
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

A lethal blow to the ego arrives this month when One Direction member Harry Styles leaves you for someone who is a “much better sports commentator than you ever will be.”

SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Your love of waffles becomes so intense it shreds the fabric of time and space, transporting you to an alternate dimension where Belgium won the war.

CAPRICORN
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Getting your septum pierced this month turns out to be a bad idea, as you are a cute balloon animal.