November Horoscopes: Guaranteed 100 percent accurate
AQUARIUS
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
VCU makes the tough decision to discontinue your major this month, shattering your dreams of a B.A. in plate balancing.
PISCES
Feb. 19 – March 20
Your description of the relationship between you and your best friend since middle school as “inseparable” will be proven faulty this month by nothing more than a giant, highly specialized centrifuge.
ARIES
March 21 – April 19
You’ve thrown away many years, perhaps even most of your life, putting up emotional walls to keep people at a distance. This month, you realize the error of your ways, purchasing six bags of cement and a pallet of bricks.
TAURUS
April 20 – May 20
You may have found Hurricane Sandy’s performance in Richmond, with its light drizzle, mildly inconvenient cold and two-hour school delay, underwhelming at best –but how do you think Sandy would feel if she heard you say that? You evil monster.
GEMINI
May 21 – June 20
Halloween is over, and finally you can put away the soul-crushing six-inch heels component of your “sexy parakeet” costume.
CANCER
June 21 – July 22
A window shopping excursion to Short Pump will be irrevocably ruined by the sight of your own reflection.
LEO
July 23 – Aug. 22
You’ve taken to wondering as of late whether you’re already dead or whether the life you’re forced to endure is your personal hell. This is absolutely the case.
VIRGO
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Take a moment out of your busy day to step outside, admire the natural fireworks of Richmond’s autumn foliage, take a full, deep breath of crisp November air and develop pneumonia.
LIBRA
Sep. 23 – Oct. 22
It may well take a village to raise a child, but as you will soon prove, it only takes one child to raze a village.
SCORPIO
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
This month, a calm and orderly single-file evacuation from a burning building reduces you and hundreds of others to a pile of smoldering ash.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
As British boy band One Direction member Niall Horan always says: “I think it better to do right, even if we suffer in so doing, than to incur the reproach of our consciences and posterity.” However, Irish-born, blond-haired Horan has never said this.
CAPRICORN
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
A series of missteps will result in five minutes of your life spent reading a back page column in the Commonwealth Times instead of studying your chosen major, working for the well-being of others, culling enlightenment and enrichment from any of the world’s countless brilliant artworks, or otherwise accomplishing any sort of meaningful task.
