HOROSCOPES for March 2011

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AQUARIUS Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
This month’s balmy, drizzly afternoons will prove perfect opportunities to curl up in bed with a book and your favorite blanket and pretend you wouldn’t rather be sitting on Facebook.

PISCES Feb. 19 – March 20
Sometimes you discover it’s been right under your nose all along: A whirlwind romance will bloom this month between you and the authors of the dense, completely unpalatable required reading for your midterm.

ARIES March 21 – April 19
Your attempt to explain the concept of infinite alternate realities to your study group this month will be hindered somewhat by an over-reliance on the words “like,” “dude” and “f***ing crazy.”

TAURUS April 20 – May 20
The final impetus to leave your significant other will arrive this month with the discovery that he/she has been physically and emotionally abusing some other girl/guy on the side.

GEMINI May 21 – June 20
Gemini is really sorry about the last couple of weeks, man. It’s just … man.  It’s been so busy, you know? These professors, phew. It’s like, they think we don’t have other stuff to do, right?

CANCER June 21 – July 22
While there are wounds that only time can truly heal, it might be time to consider this month that you might never bring yourself to forgive those who have called you unforgiving.

LEO July 23 – Aug. 22
Having realized too late this month that you’ve taken a poorly-considered joke too far, recuperate by prolonging your own laughter into the cold silence and pleading for some manner of eye contact.

VIRGO Aug. 23 – Sep. 22
This month you will do something mildly undesirable in order to live up to a responsibility.

LIBRA Sep. 23 – Oct. 22
At a student art exhibit this month, an awkward Tim Burton-esque ceramic tea set will prove such an apt metaphor for your tragically suburban adolescence that you will be moved to tears.

SCORPIO Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Your chosen English 200 topic registers less to others as charmingly off-kilter or uniquely intriguing and more as an unanswerable cry for help.

SAGITTARIUS Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
A lifelong phobia will be cured this month with the realization that women are just as afraid of you as you are of them.

CAPRICORN Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
For the third month in a row you will be forced to deal with your abandonment issues completely and utterly alone.