STRAIGHT OUTTA HELL BLOCK- Worth your wait

I’ve dumped entire trays of drinks on customers, broken up bar brawls, gotten beautiful women’s phone numbers and met both Hunter “Patch” Adams and Gov. Timothy M. Kaine. After waiting on tables for almost three years, I’ve been through quite a lot.

Yet recently it has come to my attention that 95 percent of people don’t know how to tip. Perhaps your parents never taught you how, or you didn’t go out that much or you just feel like being a jerk.

I figured it would be nice to fill you wonderful people in on what it is like to be a server.

1. Most servers make $2.13 an hour. That is supposed to be just a supplement to help us pay our taxes. We make our money on tips. The higher up your hours go, usually, the less your employer pays you. It’s quite common that servers working in fi ve-star restaurants don’t get paid at all. Servers get their money from serving, hence the name.

2. On average, a tip should be 15 percent of the total before tax is added. That is, if the server provided decent service. Depending on where you live, the expected tip can go higher. In Northern Virginia, for instance, the standard is 20 percent.

3. If you go to a restaurant and the check is small, you should tip at least $3. The fact that you only got a $6 sandwich and a glass of water doesn’t change how much work the server put into your meal. If you seriously are going to tip 90 cents on a $6 check, you don’t deserve to live.

4. If you can’t afford to tip, then maybe you shouldn’t be going out to eat. McDonalds, from what I hear, has a wonderful invention called the Dollar Menu, which might satisfy your appetite. You don’t have to worry about tipping; their employees are being paid at least minimum wage.

5. Another thing that irks many in the service industry? People who think they can pay by being nice. Believe it or not, some people think that if they are very friendly to their server, tipping 10 percent is forgivable. It’s not. Nice attitudes don’t pay bills. If a table is mean but tips 30 percent, that’s perfectly all right. We’re here for the money.

6. Here are two of my favorite stories from serving:

I met all a table’s demands (and there were a lot), was friendly – even when I overheard them mocking me – and did everything by the book. I was left $2 on a $70 check. One month later, they came back to the restaurant and were seated in my section. I begged my manager to have someone else wait on them, but he wouldn’t hear of it. So, I gave them the worst service imaginable. I rang in all their food last (and wrong), very deliberately ignored their table and let their food get cold on the serving counter before I brought it out to them. They never came back, but I hope they got the idea that tipping less than 3 percent is not cool.

Another time, my first table of the day was way too nice (a warning to all servers). The lady handling the bill left me a $1 tip on a $25 check. While I was on the other end of the restaurant cursing the very soul of her being, she slipped on the recently waxed floor and fell on her fat butt. Luckily I was on the other side of the restaurant. I couldn’t stop laughing for a good minute and a half. Instant karma’s gonna get you.

7. One theory I’ve heard countless times from different servers goes as follows: Anyone desiring to eat out should have to spend a year working in the service industry. That way, people would come to understand all the work that goes into being a server. After that year, the person would be given a card they would have to show before entering a restaurant or bar. At least that seems fair to me.