STRAIGHT OUTTA HELL BLOCK

I had to have my stomach pumped yesterday. It was not from
too much alcohol or from accidentally ingested poison. It was
because I had eaten at Shafer Dining Center.

After class, my “friend” Brittany invited me to eat with her at
Shafer, so that we could have a long discussion about relationships,
our future and all the other ways that I was a complete screwup.
Brittany and I grabbed some food, then sat down.

The broccoli had absolutely no flavor. Neither did the barbeque.
When I bit into the apple I knew something had to be wrong.
Shafer had sucked all of the flavor out of the fruit. I put down the
apple in disgust.

Brittany and I got into a heated argument about exactly how
many other “friends” I had encountered since the two of us began to
be “friends.” Her count was twenty-three, mine was 38. We might have
embellished a little bit, but all’s fair in love and friendship.

A sudden dizziness overtook me. The room started spinning like I was
on a demented merry-go-round. Brittany said I was just trying to avoid
the issue of my friendship infidelity, but I swore to her that I wasn’t. My
stomach cried out in pain and I fell to the floor.

She took me to the VCU Office of Health Promotion next to the Stuart
C. Siegel Center where they rushed me in, handed me an emergency
Z-pack and sent me on my way. It seems to be the only medication they
ever prescribe.

A half-hour later I collapsed again and was rushed to MCV Hospital.
After they found out that I had a slew of overdue library books at Cabell, I
received the same treatment as Patch Adams when they kicked him out of
the building 30 years ago. After witnessing the Michael Moore documentary
“Sicko,” I knew there was only one thing to do. I flew to Cuba.

Once in Cuba, I had the time of my life sightseeing, meeting Fidel
Castro and even encountering some Afghani goat herders who had recently
escaped from Gitmo. I received first-class treatment and flew back to VCU
this morning with an empty stomach, some red ideals, and the opinion
that eating at Shafer is close to being suicidal.