Much ado about Peeps and bums with beats
Dear Bob, No short novel here, don’t worry. Just one quick question. I don’t know if your eyes caught it, or if Bat Boy informed you, but it appears that we have somewhat of a problem concerning assualts around campus (according to the Thursday issue’s crime log).
Dear Bob,
No short novel here, don’t worry. Just one quick question. I don’t know if your eyes caught it, or if Bat Boy informed you, but it appears that we have somewhat of a problem concerning assualts around campus (according to the Thursday issue’s crime log).
According to the reports, these assualts (one on May 27 perpetrated by a male and one on the night of April 15, by a fiesty female) were not merely assualts but rather “simple assualts.” This term somewhat perplexes me. Are there complicated assualts?
Why are these assaults so simple? Are the assailants these days just getting lazy and keeping things simple, say with a punch here or there, but no other meticulous violence?
These criminals must be losing their touch. What happened to the days when assaults were detailed and multifaceted? These days even assaults are getting simple. I think this is a poor statement upon society, what do you make of it?
Sincerely (and have a blessed summer vacation),
Jimmy Boombada
The simple assault is a relatively new development in Richmond’s criminal landscape. The simple assault is most simply an assault that takes one person to carry out.
This one person usually prefers a blunt instrument, such as a club or mallet. Nothing too complex for this upstanding individual.
The era of complex assaults came and went quickly in the early 90s. That was the era of the dot com doom. Too many people were sitting around on committees thinking about things.
Some of these things were beneficial, but there were many criminal meetings about raising the complexity of assaults.
This proved to be a failed experiment as too many criminals were unable to carry out even the simplest of assaults.
If criminals could not even get the club-and-run technique down, there was no hope for them ever adopting the grab, fondle, lick, club, insult, beat and run technique. This was one of the latest techniques used up until it got to the point where an assault could last 20 minutes, plenty of time for the police to show up.
This is why we now have simple assaults. Necessity my friends, necessity.
