Molly Christianson, Staff Writer
You can be ugly and pretty, but you cannot be ugly and kind.
My brother said something the other night that really stuck with me: “I don’t think people can look ugly, I think they act ugly.”
This made me realize just how many assumptions I make when it comes to someone I deem pretty. I tend to automatically assume a pretty person is ugly. I do not mean ugly in a physical sense, but in a personality way.
It does not matter if someone is the prettiest person alive; if they are two-sided, purposefully rude and a generally cruel individual, they are ugly.
It did not occur to me how much I did this until I was put in a situation where I had to get to know people I had already made assumptions about.
To some extent, I think we all do this. We see someone, make a quick judgment about them and then convince ourselves that our first impression is probably right. I had to come to terms with how strong that judgment could be when I joined a sorority.
When entering recruitment for Greek life here at VCU, I was scared to meet with the two houses that I felt had the “prettiest” girls. I assumed they would be the stereotypical mean movie sorority girls, simply because I held the belief that pretty people are usually mean.
One of those houses ended up being on my top two list because of the warmth and kindness I felt while spending time with those girls. It made me realize that I had judged them before they even had the chance to talk to me. I had created an entire personality for them based solely on how they looked.
These first impressions can be so detrimental to our day to day lives. Deciding if someone is nice based on how they look is a weird concept on so many levels.
Looking at someone and putting them into a box is a common thing – we all do it. However, keeping them in that box and not giving them a chance to show you who they are is not OK.
I have nearly missed out on so many amazing friendships because I was nervous to let them show me who they really are. I do not know if this nervousness stemmed from concepts I saw in movies growing up or if it is something I made up in my head, but I honestly hate it.
I hate when people assume things about me, so the fact that I did that to others annoys me to no end.
So, how did I fix it?
I first acknowledged that I was putting people into a box when I first saw them, then I made an effort to take them out. Now, I challenge whatever box I have built for them by actually acknowledging what they do and say, not just how they look.
This is not a fool proof method. Some boxes take more of a conscious effort for me to deconstruct.
This is the case when it comes to people I assume have pretty privilege. This assumption is definitely media induced in part, but this privilege is a reality in many people’s lives.
Growing up, I remember feeling so excluded from the girls in my class because I did not look like them. Whatever beauty standard our class had set was far from how I looked.
I was always the one taking group photos — never in them. I do not say this for pity but rather to prove a point. The pretty girls do not know how that feels and I am glad they don’t.
It is not fun to know that you are not included because others think you will “ruin” the photo. However, that feeling gave me an awareness of others that the girls in the photo who benefit from pretty privilege may never have.
This is part of the reason I tend to put pretty people in the “mean” box. The prettiest people I knew when I was younger also happened to be kind of mean to me.
It is a little ironic that I assume the pretty people of the world are mean, as this is the exact opposite of what the halo effect is.
The halo effect is a phenomenon where we associate positive qualities with people we find attractive. If someone is good-looking, we may automatically assume that they are nicer, more confident, more intelligent or more trustworthy.
We are conditioned to put people in boxes and unlearning it is harder than you may think.
Over time we have convinced ourselves that someone’s appearance can draw us a picture of who they are.
Physical beauty is just the first thing we notice about someone, but it should not determine how we see and treat them.