Lauren Prattis, Contributing Writer
Fall is finally here — the leaves are changing colors, the weather is getting cooler and Dr. Times is back.
The CT staff submitted questions about how to navigate the changing leaves and everything that comes along with the spookiest season of all.
Dear Dr. Times,
How best should I dress for the hot and cold weather of Richmond in October?
Sincerely,
Putting the “sweat” in “sweater”
Dear Reader,
Richmond’s climate is a force to be reckoned with, and I completely understand your struggle. I used to leave for my morning commute in a nice fall outfit only to be sweating buckets by lunchtime.
I recently invented the perfect fix — electronic cardigans. This cutting-edge technology comes with a built-in air conditioner and space heater.
In the morning, I recommend turning the heat up to the maximum setting so you are nice and toasty for the beginning of the day.
Once it reaches noon and the crisp fall air turns into a hot and humid disaster, switch on the AC. This will let you keep up with fall styles while staying as cool as a cucumber.
The only issues reported during product testing were first-degree burns, hair being singed off and the product bursting into flames when it made contact with even the slightest droplet of water.
Stay warm — or cool,
Dr. Times
Dear Dr. Times,
My roommate moved out because our apartment is haunted. How do I get the ghost to start paying rent to make up for it?
Sincerely,
Haunted and broke
Dear Reader,
This is more common than you think. Richmond is known for its ghost tours, but that does not mean the spirit should live in your humble abode for free.
The Ghostbusters are known for their beige jumpsuits and ghost-trap backpacks, but they also have a small claims division.
The Ghostbusters’ small claims division consists of a team of legal experts who are well-versed in dealing with paranormal roommate disputes. They will give your new roommate an ultimatum — pay up or get zapped up into the containment chamber.
This usually works. You will get caught up on rent in no time.
Best of luck,
Dr. Times
Dear Dr. Times,
How many pumpkin spice lattes is too many? I’ve had seven every day since the end of August and I am starting to feel weird.
Best,
Stomachache survivor
Dear Reader,
This is a very common issue that I see in my practice around this time of the year. After years of much trial and error, I have the cure.
I recommend increasing your daily dosage from seven to nine pumpkin spice drinks. Although you have been drinking them multiple times a day for months, it is just not enough.
I also tell all my patients to buy pumpkin spice in bulk and keep it with them at all times. Adding it to all your meals — from your eggs at breakfast to your meatloaf at dinner — will help your body adapt.
Eventually, you might start to turn orange. Don’t worry about that — you will return to your natural color around March.
Happy fall,
Dr. Times
Dear Dr. Times,
How do I make myself look younger so I can trick-or-treat as a 22-year-old?
Anything helps,
I want candy
Dear Reader,
Let me start by saying I respect your commitment to getting free treats. As we age, it becomes less socially acceptable for us to eat candy, so I respect you as a changemaker and a visionary.
You should invest in a shrink ray — they are expensive but worth it if you are fully committed to the cause.
You will shrink from your current adult height to the average height of a seven-year-old. You will assimilate perfectly with the other neighborhood children and be able to get as much free candy as you desire.
Like always, there will be some consequences. There is an 80% chance you will permanently remain the size of a seven-year-old. If you do end up growing, there is an 84% chance you will rise to double your adult height.
Stay sweet,
Dr. Times