Lauren Prattis, Audience Editor
Natalie McEwan, Opinions and Humor Editor
With spring weather filling the air, The Commonwealth Times staff are focusing on their health, spending time outside and enjoying springtime holidays. Naturally, they turned to Dr. Times for advice on how to have the best spring possible.
Dear Dr. Times,
I’ve been eating a lot of easter eggs lately, and I got sick to my stomach. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Fried, scrambled and boiled
Dear Reader,
First, I would advise you to drive to your nearest pet store as soon as you can — you only have about 24 hours before you should expect to see any physical changes.
The first thing you need to purchase is an enclosure that is about 12 square feet. If you really want to splurge, you could get a multi-level cage with an elaborate tunnel system. To ensure you get enough fresh air, I recommend clearing a space in your backyard and securing it with a wire cage.
For your comfort, get a few packages of hay so you have a pleasant and snug place to sleep so you’re well rested during the twilight hours.
Before it’s too late, make sure to stop by the grocery store to get carrots, cucumbers and celery.
This is not the first case of too-many-easter-eggs-itis, and unfortunately there is no cure. There is a 100 % chance that you will turn into an Easter bunny.
Dear Dr. Times,
The weather has been nice, so I went swimming in the James River. My left pinkie toe turned green and has slowly been spreading up my leg. Help!
Sincerely,
Green with envy
Dear Reader,
While I understand your concern, this is actually a blessing. The James River is such a unique ecosystem filled with all kinds of flora, fauna and powerful nutrients. It seems like your new color is going to give you some new powers as well.
Have you heard of the Hulk? He turned green and became strong enough to destroy his enemies. Likewise, Elphaba — despite being green — is one of the most powerful witches in Oz. While it seems easy to envy your less verdant friends, you might find being green isn’t so bad after all.
Dear Dr. Times,
What is your morning routine? I’m trying to develop a better schedule. Sincerely,
Up at 4 a.m.
Dear Reader,
Thank you for asking! I consider myself a health expert, so I have developed the perfect morning routine that you can use to reach all of your goals.
I wake up around 4 a.m. after going to sleep at 2 a.m.. I find two hours of sleep keeps me so wired that my eyes are actually more open than they were when I used to get the eight hours of sleep other so-called “doctors” claim we need. In fact, they don’t even shut anymore!
One thing I cannot deny is the importance of cold and heat therapy. That is why I start every morning with a superset of smoking cigarettes and dunking my face in a bowl of iced Saratoga water. First I smoke a cigarette, then I dunk my face in the water. I repeat this five times, which takes me about an hour.
I then go to the gym, where I spend three hours doing pushups, having cigarette breaks and taking mirror selfies. I usually can get a good ten reps in during that time.
After the gym, instead of taking a shower, I just dunk my face in ice water and let my body’s natural oils act as a perfume for the day. I then get dressed and do my hair. Finally, I begin my commute to work with a Bang Energy drink.
If you implement this routine you are guaranteed to be more wired than ever before, perfect for a day filled with a busy schedule. Good luck in your health and productivity journey!