Twin troubles

Dylan Hostetter, Opinions and Humor Editor

My brother Tom and I have always had a close relationship — it would be hard not to, we look identical after all. My mother always said we were too perfect to be just a single child — but I think that was just a way for her to mentally cope with giving birth to twins.

Even before we could walk, people were confusing us with each other. We always played pranks on babysitters and unsuspecting drive-through window clerks. Once we successfully convinced a random man on the street that Tom was me from the future. We even got him to max out his ATM card with the promise we could use our time travel powers to fix sports games in his favor.   

It just so happens that my brother and I decided to go to the same college, though our areas of study differed greatly: My brother is a chemistry major and I am an English major. Our interests have always varied — that was until one day when we decided to relive our youth and play a little prank.

It was right before spring break and we were both getting a little burnt out with our respective schedules. It was Tom who proposed the idea of switching places. We would attend each other’s classes for a week and see how many people we could fool.

The moment I stepped foot in the chemistry lab, I was thrown for a loop. All the numbers, carbon chains and boiling points gave me a raging headache. Looking back, it could have just been all the chemical solutions I was inhaling. They tell you to waft, but wafting is for babies.

I have read and transcribed Chaucer manuscripts with ease, but reading the periodic table was like reading a foreign language. In just the first two classes I not only set my lab coat on fire with a Bunsen burner, but also shattered several beakers — some containing strange acidic solutions — on the floor. I do not know what was in them exactly, but needless to say, the third floor now has a new skylight. 

At the end of the week, my brother and I reported back to each other. I told him of my utter destruction of the chemistry department and waited eagerly to hear how poorly he had done in all of my classes. 

I was surprised to hear he had actually excelled. He said “the life of an English major is easy,” and that “all we do is read books and write essays.” I told him he was being ridiculous, that we do much more than that — we also write discussion board posts sometimes. 

The next week I had assumed we would go back to normal — only, when I arrived at my first class of the day, I found my brother already there, sitting in my seat. When he noticed me, he smiled and waved.

I asked him what he was doing in my class, but he acted completely unaware. He started calling me “Tom” and asking why I wasn’t in the chemistry lab. All I could do was stare at him with a stunned expression as my professor, who I had a good relationship with, shunned me out of his classroom. I could not believe it.

A few hours later, there was a knock at the door of our apartment. I opened it to see my girlfriend standing with a large bouquet of flowers in her hands.

“Oh, hey Tom,” she said. “Can you believe your brother bought me these flowers? It’s so unlike him.”

I looked at her confused as Tom stepped in behind her and she turned around and kissed him. Stealing my seat was one thing, but my girlfriend? I could not let this stand. I tried to explain to her what Tom was doing — how he was trying to take over my life — but she would not listen. She said that even if what I was saying was true, she liked the new me much better anyway.

I rushed out to find the dean and put an end to all this. I found her talking to my professor, and as I approached them, I overheard him saying how I had really made a positive change this past week, how I “used to be such a little jerk,” but now I was his favorite student. I could not believe my ears. Embarrassed, I left.

My life is now in shambles. My brother still refuses to switch back or even acknowledge the truth. He and my now ex-girlfriend have planned a spring break cruise together. I was not able to make any plans, as I will need to spend all my time studying — it looks like I’m going to have to give this chemistry thing a go after all.