Humor: Productive procrastination
Illustration by Arly Cardozo.
Dylan Hostetter, Opinions Editor
“What is a productive procrastinator?” you ask? Well, seeing as how I consider myself the greatest productive procrastinator on this side of the Potomac, I feel that I have the authority to enlighten you.
One that productively procrastinates does not revel in a family-sized bag of wavy potato chips to delay their time away from a pressing assignment, but takes that time to tackle other important tasks.
Everyone on this Earth procrastinates at one time or another — it is a human reaction to external pressures. Hundreds of thousands of pounds of unfolded laundry lay on unmade beds this very second. MLA headings to academic essays sit lonesome atop a blank page on every college campus in the continental United States.
It is within the time between the inception and completion of these tasks that we true productive procrastinators do our best work. In the time that Mozart was procrastinating his opera “Don Giovanni,” he taught his pet starling to sing. That right there is a role model.
Some people look down on serial procrastinators, saying they are just plain lazy, impatient and don’t know how to finish any task they start, but I would argue against that. I believe procrastinators are some of the most productive people on this Earth. To give you a further example, let me tell you about a recent day in my life.
Monday afternoon, in anticipation of a large illustration assignment I had been procrastinating, I sat down at my drawing board to brainstorm. Though, since no art-scene-shattering ideas came to my mind immediately, I got a little antsy.
To ease my brain, I began to organize my paintbrushes — a productive act. That went well until I noticed one was slightly frayed, so I stopped organizing and set out immediately for the art store — I could finish it later.
I picked out the perfect paintbrush, but the line at the register was immense, and as I stood there waiting I could begin to feel my skin crawl. I threw the brush to the ground and abandoned the line — after all, I could always buy one later.
Instead, I figured I would be productive and head somewhere a little more physically stimulating — the gym. Once there, the rock wall attracted me immediately. As I climbed, I could not help but think the colorful hand-holds looked like little M&Ms sticking out of a fresh baked cookie.
That made me hungry, and I figured I could put off working out until later, so I dropped off the rock wall mid-climb. Thankfully those two people were below me to break my fall, or I could have gotten seriously injured.
I figured I would reward all of my productive procrastination with some cookies of my own, so I headed back to my dorm. Once there, I realized that I did not have an oven to bake anything in, so I had to use the microwave instead.
As it turned out, putting raw cookie dough in the microwave for 40 minutes does not yield the results you would expect. I grabbed a towel to try to put out the flames, but my arms were already pretty tired from the rock wall so I let it be — I could always put the fire out later.
The good news is that all of this productive procrastination finally gave me an idea for my illustration. I was told that I received a good grade the next day but was sadly unable to attend class, as apparently burning down an entire dormitory and unhousing 2,000 students makes me liable for arson charges.
There’s no need to feel bad for me, as this is not the worst situation I have ever found myself in.
Once when studying abroad, I put off renewing my passport and as a result was stranded in a small Russian town for nearly four months. I did learn to make a mean kasha while I was there though, so — productivity!
