Dear Rachel,
In my group of friends there’s this guy I keep hooking up with when I’m drunk. It’s pretty tame stuff, though I still feel bad afterwards because we just want to be friends and not let things get weird between us, but it keeps happening. What should I do?
Hopeless Martha
Dear Hopeless Martha,
It’s interesting that you’re having this problem and your name is Martha. I always thought the only people with issues like this are named Criss or Candi.
Either way, I’m sorry for all you’re going through. I’m guessing you both do have real romantic feelings for each other because, like you said, the hook ups between you two keep happening.
Maybe it’s just me, but that seems stupidly obvious. I decided that the dollar-store alcohol you binge on every weekend emotionally blinds you to your true self. You will never have any kind of real friendship with this boy if the only times you interact are when you’re lovin’ so hard on the grape.
I don’t mean to sound severely judgmental, it’s just fun sometimes. However, I do want you to realize what you’re doing (over and over and over) and how you can fix the pattern. So step away from that box of wine, the boy you’re “friends” with, and answer this highly scientific questionnaire:
1. Try being around him when you’re not drunk. Do you still think he’s interesting? His face enticing? His body like Paul Ryan’s? Do you like him at all? If you answer yes to all, continue on. If not, you need to break things off completely.
2. If you like being around him sans liqueur, great! What do you talk about? Homework? Drinking? How hot Paul Ryan is? If you answered yes to all three, you two have already let things get weird and vapid and you’ll probably never be real friends. If not, you have actual conversations and real interest in one another besides being each other’s respective Thirsty Thursday Drunken Floozy Funday Buddy. Super! You’re nearly done!
3. How do you feel when you’re around him? Does he make you feel good about yourself? Or does he make you feel bad about yourself with stories of his other ladies or how fast his marathon time is? You don’t have time for people who put you down. This will only work if he’s good to you.
If you can be yourself around him no matter your condition, you have meaningful conversations, and this friendship makes you feel good about yourself while you drunkenly, sloppily kiss each other, I say you’re going to make a beautiful couple.
If that isn’t true, you will continue to feel bad afterwards and it will always be weird between you two. In that case –and I don’t mean to be a dream-crusher –it’s time for you to give up and move on.
Lovingly,
Rachel