AQUARIUS
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Pursuit of your life’s dream has ended in failure, but don’t be too hard on yourself: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast food restaurant, only 99.6 percent ever make it.
PISCES
Feb. 19 – March 20
An early winter promises a thick, crystalline blanket of snow this month, which in turn promises to delay your discovery until melting season.
ARIES
March 21 – April 19
You will be ground into a fine powder, cut with baking soda and snorted this month after being mistaken for a high-grade Venezuelan cocaine by an overzealous air-guitarist at an ’80s karaoke bar.
TAURUS
April 20 – May 20
The kind of unrelenting pressure you’ll deal with this month would kill a lesser student, which is exactly what you are, unfortunately.
GEMINI
May 21 – June 20
To spare your feelings, the stars communicated this month’s fortune to CT astrologers by verbally spelling out the less pleasant portions letter-by-letter; unfortunately, you know perfectly well how to spell words like “wind turbine,” “pulverized” and “fine mist.”
CANCER
June 21 – July 22
You’ll never be quite the same person that you were before Focused Inquiry class this week, where you learn that Wikipedia is not credible as scholarly source material.
LEO
July 23 – Aug. 22
Neptune’s ascendant in Leo this month indicates that you will weep hysterically for the next three weeks, but don’t worry –you have many extremely good reasons to do so.
VIRGO
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Your long-awaited very first visit to a cock fight ends in tragedy when you discover the competition is actually between chickens.
LIBRA
Sep. 23 – Oct. 22
Your Rocky Horror Picture Show-themed birthday party takes an awkward turn when all forty-some guests arrive in nothing but solid gold booty shorts.
SCORPIO
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Although you are a hateful, petty and cruel person, and bring no happiness or benefit whatsoever to the people around you and the world you live in, you will be blessed with bountiful good fortune this month. This is just how the world works.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Sleek-featured One Direction member Louis Tomlinson rushes to your hospital bedside this month when you develop a life-threatening case of the shingles. This is a terrible mistake, however, because the hospital and patient he intended to visit are in England, not the United States.
CAPRICORN
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
True and lasting happiness is yours this month when you abandon any and all pursuits of education, career, charity or human companionship, and dedicate your life instead to ice cream and Netflix.