CT HOROSCOPES FOR MAY
Guaranteed 100% accurate
AQUARIUS – Jan. 20 –Feb. 18
Offer your mother a phone call this month and maybe some chocolates in repentance for your wanton robbery of hundreds of thousands of dollars and the past two decades of her life.
PISCES – Feb. 19 – March 20
The stars advise that you stop hitting yourself. The stars advise that you stop hitting yourself. The stars advise that you stop hitting yourself.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
The Internet runs out of animals fluffy, cuddly and vacantly-gazed enough to more-or-less plug shut the gaping hole in your heart this month.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
It needn’t be as tiresome as asking him/ her to get Starbucks with you. Instead, let a friend ask for you if he/she would get Starbucks with you, hypothetically, if you were to ask. Later this month, enjoy your 12th birthday.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
Who’s to say?
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
Having finally met the true and only love of your life, impress them on your first date with your encyclopedic knowledge of the Holy Prepuce.
LEO – July 23 – Aug. 22
Although you worry that coming out to your parents will strain your relationship, the truth is they’ll always love you, even as a Republican.
VIRGO – Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
You will successfully reach your goal weight for Memorial Day weekend by means of your death by malnourishment and subsequent decomposition.
LIBRA – Sep. 23 – Oct. 22
At least you’re pretty.
SCORPIO – Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Aspects of your award-winning New York Times Best Seller autobiography will be called into question this month. For example, whether you are in fact this or any nation’s first black president.
SAGITTARIUS – Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Lie through your teeth in your resignation letter on such topics as your relationship with your colleagues, earnings satisfaction and whether or not you spent every minute of every minimum-wage hour longing for death.
CAPRICORN – Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
You often muse whether Shakespeare was right and all the world really is a stage populated by playactors. In fact, your life is a motion picture written and directed by John Waters.
