CT HOROSCOPES for November | Guaranteed 100% accurate
SCORPIO – Oct. 23 – Nov. 21: Saturn in retrograde this month portends profound changes in store for Scorpio, but it insists on describing them in unhelpful generalities.
AQUARIUS – Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Turning up the corners of your lips at passing-by acquaintances is an ungodly chore. Sidestep it by becoming suddenly fascinated by Hibbs Hall’s breathtaking architecture.
PISCES – Feb. 19 – March 20
Your wish for your son to live a happy life, free from suffering, is somewhat at odds with your decision to name him “Audrey.”
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
Greater than the tragedy of your sudden death is the tragedy of your mother finding what you left on your hard drive in “New Folder (4).”
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
The message conveyed by the convergence of Mercury and Saturn in the constellation Libra this month cannot be printed under Commonwealth Times decency standards.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
In light of your recent distress at having been loaded with too many responsibilities, unmeetable goals and expectations and unfulfillable desires, the stars politely suggest that you go cry about it.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
Your songs are boring. Instead, perform rap lyrics cleverly sung as acoustic ballads.
LEO – July 23 – Aug. 22
The Occupy Richmond crowd go on about their hard lot in society, but they don’t know the pain of having to lie about their $8 billion bank account to their new protester friends, do they?
VIRGO – Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
The wise Virgo progresses through life knowing that history tends to repeat itself. This month, use historic precedence of now-revered artists who died penniless and unknown to validate your own ouveure of uninspired, self-indulgent, pitiful artworks.
LIBRA – Sep. 23 – Oct. 22
Take some comfort in the irony that when you depart the Earth this month, it will be much in the same way that you arrived – that is to say, covered in human bodily fluid; note, however, that the departure involves a different fluid than blood.
SCORPIO – Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Saturn in retrograde this month portends profound changes in store for Scorpio, but it insists on describing them in unhelpful generalities.
SAGITTARIUS – Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Unknowable forces beyond your control will continue to cause sounds and visions to emanate from your TV this month.
CAPRICORN – Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
You will come face-to-face at long last with the awesome visage of the Supreme Being, with whom it turns out you have nothing to talk about and no common interests besides ragtime music.
