Horoscopes for May, 2011

Guaranteed 100 percent accurate

AQUARIUS – Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
You always complain that “the man” is holding you down and suppressing your cries, but you never mention the intense sexual rush you get from it.

PISCES – Feb. 19 – March 20
There are times in life when there’s absolutely nothing to be done but sit back and laugh at the ridiculousness of it all, although this month’s grease fire may require a more proactive approach.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19
This month will bring you cause to start paying attention to things that really count in life, such as oxygen.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
Neptune’s position in Taurus indicates that hard work, dedication and self-confidence are the only way you can hope to reach your goals. But don’t worry: Neptune will leave Taurus next month.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
Deeply ingrained behavioral patterns will not magically change for you this month.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22
This is a month of deep personal reflection and introspection for you, which you have to admit, beats the hell out of meeting obligations.

LEO – July 23 – Aug. 22
Mercury’s ascent in your sign this week indicates that contemporary artwork would be a richer and more resonant experience if it were less self-indulgent.

VIRGO – Aug. 23 – Sep. 22
Try not to beat yourself up for your failings so much this month, as there are increasing numbers of people perfectly willing to do it for you.

LIBRA – Sep. 23 – Oct. 22
Attempts to compare thee to a summer’s day this month will go as far as lethargy, humidity/general moistness and a roughly 98.6 degree temperature before the metaphor falls apart.

SCORPIO – Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Jupiter will enter your sign during a very intimate moment this month, causing it to blush, stammer out an apology and quickly depart.

SAGITTARIUS – Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
The stars forsee a romantic failure that will lead to your devastating heartbreak this month which, when viewed from their position in the vast unknowable cosmos, seems so insignificant as to not even be worth mentioning.

CAPRICORN – Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Capricorn is going to Europe this summer. I know, right? It, Virgo and Saggitarius and some others are going to hit up Paris, Venice, Florence, the whole deal. Amsterdam, baby! What are you doing this summer? Oh, summer classes? Capricorn thinks that’s cool.