HOROSCOPES for February
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AQUARIUS – Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
This month it will occur to you that human existence is meaningless save what we invent, that all friendship is self-serving and that all love is sexuality disguised, but then it will occur to you that there’s an unopened pack of Oreos in your cabinet.
PISCES – Feb. 19 – March 20
A glorious, life-affirming, earth-shaking night of passion this month will be regarded by your true soul mate as a momentary lapse in judgment.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
While everyone expresses their feelings in their own special way, your approach of emotional honesty and sincerity is really making everyone uncomfortable.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
It may be tough this month to remember exactly what you’re here for – but keep in mind that even now, the hard work, late nights and years of your youth you’re putting into your degree are propelling you straight to the top of a collection agency list.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 20
Don’t sacrifice your dignity by admitting you were wrong. Instead, ask yourself and bystanders why your opponent cares so much, and how that reflects his/her sexual history/habits.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
The stars have a treat for you this month in the form of your ex appearing in a series of photos on Facebook looking absolutely terrible, just unequivocally godawful.
LEO – July 23 – Aug. 22
Check back with Leo next month for a more fully-detailed revelation of this month’s events.
VIRGO – Aug. 23 – Sep. 22
The stars want to know what kind of classes you’re taking this semester. They’re really, genuinely interested. They’re dying to know. A career seminar? Be still their hearts.
LIBRA – Sep. 23 – Oct. 22
As you will soon learn, there’s failure, and then there’s Failure – depending chiefly on whether or not it begins a sentence.
SCORPIO – Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Maybe the stars have some issues of their own to deal with right now and don’t have the time or energy to sit and listen to whatever crisis it is with you this month.
SAGITTARIUS – Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
It’s hard to imagine now, but you’ll be thankful for your general education requirements when unnecessary soul-leeching paperwork becomes your livelihood.
CAPRICORN – Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
The position of Venus indicates your first immediate thought after reading this sentence will be “S***, Valentine’s Day.”