Producer and writer Roland Emmerich’s latest attempt to rake in box-office
profits has succeeded-“10,000 B.C.” earned $35 million its first weekend, fourth
best among Emmerich’s other hardly stunning hits, “Independence Day,” “The
Day After Tomorrow” and “Godzilla.”
Not surprisingly, this film is heavily reliant on special effects to cover up the
fact that neither Emmerich nor Harald Kloser, composer, co-writer and executive
producer, can write anything besides a mind-numbing action flick riddled with
holes-think ID4 and the Morse-code fiasco.
Historical inaccuracies aside – of which there are plenty – the movie starts
off in a frigid and ambiguous part of the world where everyone speaks perfect
English and model bodies are abundant (there was apparently no trans fat back
then). Our heroes are the Agaal, a tribe of hunters and gatherers who value
honor, bravery and dreadlocks.
The story in no way stimulates cinematic creativity by developing the
characters and creating plot twists. Instead, all eyes are fixed on the two main
characters, D’Leh (Steven Strait) and Evolet (Camilla Belle). We are given no
pretense for their undying
love for each other or for
why D’Leh has such a chip
on his shoulder, other than
that his dad dishonored and
abandoned the tribe.
The rest of the characters
are merely filler. Tic’Tic (Cliff
Curtis) and Baku (Nathanael
Baring) are fellow tribesmen
who get suckered into D’Leh’s
seemingly impossible journey
traversing three completely
different climates to rescue
the kidnapped Evolet.
Attempts at plot twists include a jungle scene with giant prehistoric birds, a
desert scene with an inexplicable booby trap equipped with a computer-animated
saber-toothed cat and a scene in Egypt involving a dubious slave uprising.
It’s unfortunate that the cinematic norm is to throw historical accuracy out the
window by having metal-wielding humans (3,000 B.C.), the nearly completed
Pyramids of Giza (2,500 B.C.) and wooly mammoths (pre-9,500 B.C.), which
were never domesticated, all in the same scene.
The movie’s dialogue would have been better off in prehistoric jargon with
subtitles, as hardly anything that comes out of the characters’ mouths is interesting
or well written.
Don’t waste your money on a hyped-up, smellier-looking version of “The
Patriot.”
Grade: F