John McCain, Hillary Clinton and Barack
Obama are wonderful people, but as presidential
candidates, they’re all lacking. They all
seem to have great solutions to the problems
of today but no plans or courses of action to
take after they get elected.
After watching enough election coverage to render a
man sterile, I’ve finally had enough-I’m throwing my
hat into the ring. In an act of shameless self-promotion, I
officially am proclaiming my bid for the presidency of the
United States of America.
One of my major concerns this election is the issue of
universal health care. I think the idea of universal health
care is preposterous. Why should Americans receive the
necessary services to keep them alive? This flies directly
in the face of Charles Darwin’s theory of natural selection.
Healthy people should live and unhealthy people should
die. Medicinal practices should be outlawed at every level
of treatment.
With regard to the environment, both Obama and Clinton
have said they would solve unemployment and help the
environment by creating “green-collar jobs.” While I agree
this line of thinking is very cute (as is Obama’s dreamy
smile), we’re really just prolonging the inevitable. Obesity
is a much greater problem in America than unemployment.
What use is it to have a job if your health is so lousy that
you can’t enjoy your life?
To steal directly from the Jello Biafra playbook-if I
were elected president, I would outlaw all cars in the
United States. Americans would be forced to ride bikes
to work everyday, making us healthier,
reducing pollution and solving traffic
jams nationwide.
With regard to social security, I stand
by the solution I brought before Congress
in 2005. To solve the social-security crisis,
we need to kill off all of our useless old
people and bury them in mass-burial sites.
We will let them decompose for a few
million years and then use them as fossil
fuels. This will solve our social-security
crisis and, in time, our problem with skyrocketing gas prices.
As far as the War in Iraq, I found John McCain’s recent quote
about the war quite interesting. President Bush has stated the
United States might be in Iraq for 50 years. When asked about
his thoughts on the matter, McCain said, “Maybe 100 (years). As
long as Americans are not being injured or harmed or wounded
or killed, it’s fine with me.”
That is an interesting line of thinking, which has led me to
devise the following strategy: If I am elected president, we will
withdraw all of our troops from Iraq but still be in war with the
insurgents. That will be the last thing they would expect. We would
be fighting an “invisible war” with them.* It would confuse the
terrorists, and they would have no idea how to kill us. We would
be at war, but suffer no injuries or casualties.
As far as the continuing war on terror, we should train all
military servicemen and servicewomen as ninjas to further battle
with “invisible-war” tactics. How can you fight someone you
can’t see?
We need solutions to these problems, and Rich Griset is the
best candidate to come up with these solutions. No matter what
candidates promise to do in their presidency, they only end up
keeping half their promises. You might as well pick the candidate
with the loftiest goals.
When I am president, I will create an army of ninjas. When I
am president, I will fix social security and health care. When I am
president, I will solve the oil crisis, make America healthier and
have the least wartime casualties of any president ever. I also will
declare the International House of Pancakes’ Free Pancake Day a
government holiday. I hope you will make the right decision and
vote Griset in November.
*”Invisible war” is a term officially coined by this presidential
candidate.