Pope on a rope

I caught myself looking at one of those stupid Gallup polls yesterday, courtesy of America’s only newspaper, USA Today. Those things always crack me up, mostly because of the stupid subjects they are claiming to staticize, quanticize or whatever. Even if their results were accurate and not totally biased to their own agenda, to me they would still mean nothing. That’s because some things were just not meant to be analyzed numerically in such a way. This is especially true of the 1 billion Catholics and their new leader, a humble 78-year-old German man now named Pope Benedict XVI.

Yet USA Today and the rest of America’s media mongrels don’t seem to understand this. The media doesn’t seem to understand that the Pope is not like any other political leader. In fact, he is not really a political leader at all – he is a religious leader, a spiritual leader. For this reason, he is not in the same boat with George W. and the others, that is- he cannot be criticized for his actions in a similar manner. Actually, he cannot be criticized at all. After all, he is infallible.

Clearly that is a devout Catholic’s view. But that’s what we believe; that’s what makes us Catholics. That’s what makes us separate from any other religion. But nevertheless, the media needs to understand that the Pope is the 264th successor to Saint Peter, whom Christ named as his rock upon which God’s Church on Earth rests. All Popes being chosen by God to guide His Church on Earth, they are obviously not ordinary men like presidents and prime ministers, senators or members of parliament. Those other guys have differing opinions on earthly government matters and were chosen by the masses through democratic means. The Pope is not this type of figure.

And speaking of figures, he is not a mere figurehead with killer good looks like the Great John Paul II. He is the commander and protector of the faith. This is why we Catholics call him the Holy Father.

And that is why I am sick of seeing my Holy Father tarnished and insulted by the media and by the liberal Catholics of the world. People seem to forget that if you don’t like this religion, you can leave. And if you are not a member of this religion, than you definitely have no right to criticize it or its man in charge.

I don’t give you my opinion on the Dali Lama’s sense in fashion, or give you my take on whether or not Muhammad is Allah’s last prophet. Why do you have the right to tell me that my Holy Father is an over-conservative, crazy right winger?

I think you people forget that a religious leader is supposed to be a right-winger, especially the religious leader who is Christ’s representative on earth. Christ came and died and was resurrected; His life on earth is finished. Everything he said and did on earth is over, so these things can not change. Why, then, does his religion have to “change with the times,” as these liberals keep whining? It doesn’t. And God willing, it won’t.

So the media and the non-Catholics need to shut up about their complaints that the Pope is anti-contraceptives and anti-abortion. These are Catholic beliefs. You can’t fault the man for being a true Catholic; he is the Pope. And to the liberal Catholics, shut up about woman priests and non-celibate male ones and contraceptives and that other crap you want. Catholicism is not a democracy.

Americans always want to democraticize everything. This country of individualism and anti-authoritarian attitudes doesn’t do too well with the idea of a religious leader. American Catholics have a problem taking orders from one man. But if they have that problem, then they need to find a different religion. They can join the WASPs and become Protestants for all I care.

I wish the world – or hopefully at least the Catholics in it – would just congratulate our new Holy Father and celebrate like his brothers in his hometown of Marktl Am Inn, Germany, where, following the announcement that one of their own became the head of the world’s biggest religion, free beer was distributed to all and oompah bands galore began to pump out polka waltzes like there was no tomorrow.

Really, I implore you, listen to Pope Benedict XVI himself and you’ll see he means no harm – “In the Joy of the risen Lord, trusting in his permanent help, we go forward. The Lord will help us, and Mary, his very Holy Mother, stands by us.” And, if you don’t like it, you can go to Hell.

Alex Marra may be reached at marraam@vcu.edu.