Scorpio Oct. 24 – Nov. 21
You need to start listening more…or else you’ll be eaten by mummies. Watch out for dollar bills on the sidewalk, they’re probably cursed with venereal diseases. But they’re also probably free. Moral dilemmas such as this will characterize your week.
Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
You’ve been sucking the blood out of the room recently, go outside and get some sun, you look sickly and you probably reek of the RayGun.
Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
You’re in dark, unfamiliar territory, sometimes the way to safety lies on the path of certainty. ZOMBIES!!! BOO!!! ZOMBIES!!!!!
Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
You’ve spent all week determining the future for every one but yourself. Take some time to live in case you die.
Pisces Feb. 19- March 20
You’re an all-around good person, but sometimes the creatures you call friends are the ones that keep you drained. But it’s not your fault…Any other questions?
Aries March 21 – April 19
“Can’t sleep, clown will eat me” – Bart Simpson
You need to find your inner clown . . . it represents some metaphorical garbage. Look, just don’t eat any candy from bums and you’ll probably be fine.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Taurus, eh?, more like Borus, you’re so boring lately it’s scary. This week try something frightfully different, for instance, if an old friend suggests growing a beard, grow a beard. Beards are scary!
Gemini May 21 – June 21
Much like the American Gladiator of your namesake, cancellations will try to disrupt your week. Keep in mind the end isn’t important as ’80’s supergroup Journey. Avoid being cold as ice or hot-blooded with a close friend who you can trust. Oh but that was Foreigner, Journey blows. Journey will haunt your week.
Cancer June 22 – July 22
You’ll find a spooky Taurus with a fresh beard, possibly a leather jacket, and a haircut you can set your watch to prowling around in your life, you hold the keys to the cyclops’ prison.
Leo July 23 – Aug. 22
Impact decisions come from the future in a big and/or sexy variety, answer carefully. You don’t always get to go back in time, but sometimes even with the wrong answer, you land feet first.
Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Look out behind you! Sike! You need to stop being so gullible. Get some conviction; I’m sure they sell it at Wal-Mart and if Wal-Mart shoppers don’t scare you, check your pulse.
Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 23
Your nights have been slow and lonely this past week. Terrifyingly lonely, you should see what you can find at the graveyard. Can you dig it, sucka?