Rubbers for rams!

They come in assorted colors…blue, black, white, yellow and green! You can choose between ribbed and regular, lubricated and nonlubricated. Oh, the choices the choices. But hey, they’re free, so why not get them all!

No, you don’t have a dirty mind. I really am talking about condoms. Those latex friends of ours have somehow gotten mixed up with the Ancient Greeks and their sneaky tactics. I thought I’d talk about such to get our minds off the war, and the politics that go along with it. So I bring to you, a feature presentation…an article on condoms.

You see, they are complementary at the Student Health Center on West Broad. Don’t believe me? Go there and pick up a few, or stuff your bookbag full, the nurses don’t care, or do they?

I was actually just inquiring about the plastic box filled with the individually packaged male contraceptives the other day. I was in the examining room and noticed them with their enticing brandname shining bright, “Lifestyles” the little plastic squares read. “More like ‘Lifestyle,’ singular,” I thought. To do, or not to do, (i.e. to have sex or not to have sex,) that is the question.

Condoms represent one lifestyle, one that many VCU students choose not to live. However, VCU is promoting a lifestyle centered around sex (unless the condoms are for use in art projects or used to wrap bananas to keep them fresh) by pushing these greasy things on poor students.

So I asked the nurse what’s the deal with the rubbers. “Oh, please take some,” was her response. I was merely pondering their existence in the university’s facilities, not asking the price. But apparently, I learned, they were free. “Take as many as you like. We have all different kinds…” the R.N. began to browse through this room’s particular selection and began offering the varieties mentioned above.

“No, I think you got me all wrong-” I was cut off immediately, “Oh, don’t be embarrassed, I’m not your mother, have some. We don’t want to increase our STD levels around here.” Whoa, did she just imply I have herpes? That’s not very nice.

I assured the nurse that my taking the candy would not help the statistics and declined, but I was a little offended and I am concerned to this day. With horrible budget cuts, cuts that take away such trivial, cheap things like paper (which averages one-fourth to one-half of a cent per sheet), how does VCU have the dough to provide the 26,000 students who constitute this grand institution, with free and semi-safe orgies? Besides the moral implications this act has (making it seem that VCU endorses sex), the mere financial aspect of it is atrocious. I, for one, am against it. Let the students supply their own condoms as they do with paper. Do you see the message VCU is sending? Sex is more important than education. Is VCU running a porno or a college?

I couldn’t tell you how much a condom costs on average, I never bought one. But I know it is not half a cent like a sheet of paper. And so we have no paper, but condoms galore. It makes little sense to me. And to Bob, this is not a case of the operating budget vs. the construction projects budget. Unless VCU has a grand scheme to build the new dining facility out of latex, I fear these condoms are indeed for use during episodes of “doing the nasty.”

I know there are crazy people out there who think handing out condoms is a great thing. I know these same people think this is the answer to the AIDS epidemic. But I just can’t see the logic. These folks claim that, “People are going to have sex no matter what so we might as well make sure it is protected.” Besides condoms being only slightly effective in reducing transmission of disease, the logic is flawed.

Maybe to reduce homicides we should hand out bulletproof vests to gangbangers. To solve a problem you can’t just cover it up. (No pun intended.) You have to attack it at the root. We are not animals who can’t help themselves and hump anything in sight. We have freewill. The university is treating us as if we don’t. And they are spending a lot of wasted dollars by doing so.

As for those who are interested in pursuing casual sex and all its glory, milk your tuition for all it’s worth. For these four years of fun, it’s on the house, Rodney’s got the bill covered.