Aries: There’s magic in the air today; grab a handful and sell it on eBay.
Taurus: Journalists are said to be the wisest in the race of man. Think on it.
Gemini: Seek out a football player who saves people from burning buildings and volunteers with kids. He’d be a good person to know.
Cancer: Take a long hard look in the mirror, but only after running a hot shower to fog it up.
Leo: Much like the film in the sun, your unwanted karma may only be destroyed by the light of knowledge.
Virgo: If you plan on starting a time capsule, be sure to avoid including Spam. The future is going to messed up enough; it doesn’t need our help.
Libra: Take a cue from Tickle Me Elmo. Laugh freely today.
Scorpio: The egg might allow the chef to beat it, but you’ll be accepting no such nonsense.
Sagittarius: No matter how bad your life gets, just remember that you could be living in a state that didn’t care about its college students. Oh wait…
Capricorn: Don’t wake your friends up at 2 a.m. asking them how to use the Internet. They won’t like it.
Aquarius: A broken heart is like a bad fender bender: extremely jarring, possibly injuring, but everyone survives.
Pisces: A cheetah can’t change its spots. What’s your excuse?
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