Rodney’s transformation, Necco wafers and the inventor of the Slurpee dies

Bob,

Times have been hard, and often I’ve found myself dead when you have called for
questions…but I got better.
What has found its way into Rodney the Ram’s water…He seems to have undergone
a transformation of some type. Any comments?

Mike Stormo
A.P.T.

Unfortunately, our good friend Rodney has undergone what is called “redesign
without consent.”
This most often occurs in large universities where the university marketing
people get antsy and bored because, due to budget cuts, they have nothing to
market and no money to market anything with, if there was anything marketable
around.
So they get creative. This is very bad (as we have all seen). Marketing people
should not be allowed to get creative and come up with ideas on their own. When
they do, we end up with things like “New hip, cool, improved Rodney who
looks like he is constantly under the influence and chowing down steroids.”
So please, next time you see Rodney moseying about on campus, looking for his
next smoke, help him out and send him up to the Sports Medicine Building for
some rehabilitation.
With your help, we can get the old, more fun and less drug-addicted looking
Rodney back.
Now kids, click your heels together three times and chant…
“There’s no place like home!
There’s no place like home!
There’s no place like home!”

With your help, we can have a less ridiculous mascot and symbol for our school.

I don’t know about you, but I question being represented by Rodney in
his new form. What message is VCU trying to send? Any thoughts?


Glorious Bob,

Why are the Necco wafer purple hearts chewier than all the rest?

From Bob to Bob, via Electrokitty

The tale of the purple Necco wafer is a sad and dramatic one.
The Necco wafers were once a small tribe of candies living on an island in the
warm Carribean. All was well in Necco Land. The wafers played and frolicked
joyously in the sunlight from dawn until dusk. When the sun went down, the wafers
all went inside, seeing as Necco wafers have a terrible fear of the dark, this
is perfectly logical.
Once safely inside their little Necco huts, they would relax and chat. Some
read books, others dozed peacefully by the cool breeze of the fan.
The wafers lived happily for many years on their own little part of the island.
One day, the giants came. They came to the island to hunt the sweet meat of
the Neccos. The wafers were terrified and fled for their lives. Many were captured
during this attack.
The poor Necco wafers did not have any defenses against the giants, since they
had never needed any, for there was never an attack on the peaceful Necco wafers.
One by one, the wafers were scooped up and inprisoned in small plastic bags,
then sealed for freshness.
The Neccos were captured and sold into certain death at the hands and mouths
of their captors.
This ends the sad tale of the Necco wafers… but you are still probably wondering
why the purple ones are softer than all the rest…
Could it be the purple ones hold some sort of mystical power? Perhaps the purple
ones are the keepers of the hidden truths of the Necco waferians. Or maybe the
purple ones are softer because they bathe more regularly.
In actuality, no one knows why the purple ones are softer…
Some things are just better left unknown…
Next time you open a bag of Necco wafer hearts, think about this: you have just
destroyed the lives of hundreds of Necco tribesmen, and they are pissed. And
you wonder why you get that stomachache after eating them.


Slurpee inventor dies

Most of the time, I reserve my writing to the realm of the truly silly, amusing
and pointless. However, in this tiny bit of space, I write about something very
important.
John Thompson has died of brain cancer at the age of 77.
That name will probably mean nothing to most of you. However, John Thompson
was the inventor of the Slurpee (and the Big Gulp).
The Slurpee is a staple of the typical newspaper worker’s diet. In fact,
there was open weeping here at The Commonwealth Times when we found out about
the death of Thompson.
He will be missed for his great contribution to the world of semifrozen drinks
we all know and love as the Slurpee.
What does this mean for the Slurpee? Is there someone waiting in the wings to
take over the Slurpee empire? What will become of our most beloved beverage
after the passing of its creator?
The Slurpee will live on in glory, a spectacular achievement to John Thompson,
the great visionary who created it.
This can only be the work of N.o.S.L.U.R.P. This evil organization must be behind
the death of John Thompson.
If you have any information leading to the apprehension of this group, please
send it to Bob at ctvcu@hotmail.com.
N.o.S.L.U.R.P. is the mark of pure evil!


Missing out on all those really important stories?

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www.fark.com

Fark is your place for weird news, stories, Photoshopped images and other bizarre
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Some are pulled from real places like the BBC, ABC and other places ending in
“BC.” Some are just pulled from random sites or sent in by helpful
readers.
Go there, giggle and enjoy!

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