Humor: Going down

Dylan Hostetter, Opinions Editor

This was just another average morning for me — extremely late, totally unprepared and running on two hours of sleep and a breakfast of iced coffee and fruit snacks. School, or life for that matter, was never really something that I was very good at. But you see, things were about to change. 

While riding the crowded elevator down to the lobby, I realized I had once again forgotten my laptop. As the doors slid open, I was caught in the wave of my peers and shoved out into the lobby where I quickly thumbed through my bookbag to confirm my fears. 

I had to go back up for it. I rushed to press the elevator button but was too late to realize I had pressed the wrong one. As the down arrow illuminated with a sly glow, I thought to myself: Why is there even a down button? This was the ground floor, after all.

The doors slid open with a cruel ding, and I had no choice but to step inside. I did not have the time to wait. As they closed and the elevator descended, an ominous feeling rose in my stomach. Thinking back, it could have just been the iced coffee and fruit snacks.

It went down only one floor, the lights flickered and when the doors opened I was seemingly right back in the lobby — though something felt a little off. At this point I decided to bail on my laptop, it was not like it was really going to help me much when I was failing everything anyway.

Things got weird when I arrived at my first class of the day — 30 minutes late. Normally such a tardy arrival would have been met with a disapproving glance from my professor and groans from all my classmates that I had to squeeze past to get to my seat. 

Instead, my late arrival was met with a grand applause. My professor approached me with a large blue ribbon which she pinned to my shirt. She explained to me that I was the first student in the history of her career to have an unbroken tardy streak of an entire semester. She was genuinely proud — I was bewildered.

Things only got weirder as finals week progressed and grades were released. Of course, I failed every test horribly, even my single-credit physical education course wherein all I had to do was list 10 exercises we had learned. 

Seems easy enough, but I soon ran out of real exercises that I remembered and resorted to making up fake ones. To say I was less than confident in “Three Hour iPad Scroll” and “Chick-fil-A Chest Press” would be an understatement. 

Here is the crazy thing: I was lauded for my bad grades. My classmates were jealous that I was the only student who had failed all of my finals so horribly, for they had only gotten C’s and D’s. Some of them even — dare I say — passed their tests.

Now, I may have failed all my exams and just about every other test I have ever taken in my life, but I do not consider myself a moron. It is clear to me that the elevator ride somehow transported me to a parallel universe where my negative actions yielded positive outcomes. Some people would be freaking out, but I am in heaven. 

Good grades are now a bad thing and tardiness is celebrated. My GPA of 0.3 now sits me at the top of my class. Continuing at this rate, I am set to graduate Summa Cum Laude. My complete lack of experience now puts me ahead in the job market — I could be president one day! 

This newfound luck even extends beyond the classroom — my dating life is on a real upturn. My awkwardness has garnered me seven dates just this month and they have all gone perfectly awful. Girls now love it when I over-explain simple concepts which, if you did not know, is called “mansplaining.”

Maybe the best part is that for once in my life, my parents are actually proud of me, unlike my older brother who they now despise for being a successful dentist. That is what you get, Carl! Who is going to get kicked out of Mom and Dad’s will for driving their life into the ground now, huh? 

I have no plans of ever using that elevator again — I do not think I could ever go back to the real world. Walking up and down 15 flights of stairs to my dorm every day is totally worth it. I’ve even lost some weight.

If I have learned anything valuable from this experience, it is this: Sometimes it really pays to be an awful person.