IRL with Arielle: Confidence is a privilege

Arielle Andrews, Staff Writer

If you have ever complained to someone about your lack of prospects in relationships or careers and they respond, “confidence is key,” you owe it to the rest of us to sue them. 

There is a strong belief online that the solution to getting everything you want is just to be confident enough to take it. Manifestation, baby. 

Gen Z has built a culture around “fake it until you make it.” They tout that the secret to being “that girl” is to be confident enough to be “that girl.” Do you want to make more money? Confidence is key. Do you want to make heads turn? Confidence is key. Do you want to score your dream guy? Confidence is key. 

If you are broke or Black or not conventionally attractive, and you complain about lack of opportunities, I guarantee someone will remark, “You just have to be more confident.” Because confidence is what? Key. 

Unfortunately, for most people, especially those in underrepresented communities, confidence will not remarkably change their lives. It might make it worse.

Systems of oppression like the patriarchy, white supremacy and capitalism have built a whole culture around submissive and quiet oppressed groups. Confidence is a privilege few are afforded. 

Most oppressors will try to cut down confident victims and force them to squeeze into the minuscule role they have offered them. 

Imagine you are a fat, disabled, Black woman. You are already more likely to face discrimination and workplace harm by your superiors and peers. People cling to all sorts of stereotypes and negative beliefs about you which lead to frequent microaggressions and incidents at work. 

You keep your head down, not trying to make it worse. Now, people praise you for being one of the “good ones.” You are not exactly a member of the group, but you are not their biggest target. Life is not good, but it is simple. 

This is how many oppressed groups live their lives. In silence. 

Now imagine you are a confident fat, disabled, Black woman. You face discrimination and prejudice at work but you buck against it more often than not. You refuse to let anyone belittle you. You keep your head up high. 

To the oppressed, you are a hero. To your oppressors, you are dangerous. 

And oppressors do not like to be challenged. They will wage war against you. They will do everything and anything in their power to cut you down. How dare you be anything besides what they said you were? 

Life is good, but it is not simple. 

Unfortunately, this is the experience of many marginalized groups of people. The solution for them is not always clearly “confidence.” 

While confidence does demand respect in a lot of situations, more often than not, it is a privilege awarded to those deemed worthy. 

Those lacking in privilege will not get everything they desire just because they are confident. Sometimes they lose things instead. 

We see this all the time. We see Black men get killed because they were confident enough to stand up for themselves. We see dead women on the news because they are confident enough to say no. We see workers out of jobs because they are confident enough to demand more from their places of employment. 

Contrary to what the internet will tell you, we do not like confident victims. We like them more when they are insecure, humble and much easier to manipulate. 

So, what does this mean? 

Does it mean that every marginalized person should shy away from conflict and betray themselves? 

Of course not. In a lot of ways, confidence is key. However, I think it’s important to recognize confidence is not something allowed for everyone. Confidence will not always save you. Sometimes it will betray you. 

Confidence is a double-edged sword for oppressed groups. For us, confidence is complicated. 

Still, while I am weary of the attitude that confidence cures, it is a human right. We deserve to be confident. 

Sometimes I wonder if the way to gain the privilege of confidence is just to be confident enough to take it. 

Wouldn’t that be simple?