Horoscopes for April 2011

Guaranteed 100 percent accurate

AQUARIUS Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

The stars say that your careful optimism “totally jinxed” last weekend’s Final Four game and that you are “singularly responsible” for the outcome, adding that you “ought to be a-f***ing-shamed.”

PISCES Feb. 19 – March 20

This month will reveal downsides to soiling yourself in public you had never even dreamed of.

ARIES March 21 – April 19

Being a phrase which goes more or less unused by persons younger than your great aunt, “April showers bring May flowers” as used by your peers is probably a hint that you should shower more often.

TAURUS April 20 – May 20

Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from this month’s kidney stone passage.

GEMINI May 21 – June 20

You are at heart a good person whose hopes and dreams are worthwhile and who deserves to be happy.*

CANCER June 21 – July 22

As of this month, according to the stars, claiming a text “must not have come through” or that “I haven’t checked my email/Facebook today” are still perfectly legitimate excuses.

LEO July 23 – Aug. 22

Continue to sigh and stare forlornly out windows for as long as it takes for one of your friends or acquaintances to ask about your petty, unlistenable life issues.

VIRGO Aug. 23 – Sep. 22

This month in a bookstore you will stand in line behind Stephen Clark of Baltimore, Maryland, a nurse practicioner with whom you share no ironic connection whatsoever.

LIBRA Sep. 23 – Oct. 22

One sign of a wholesome relationship is how it helps you grow – how it forces you to question aspects of your life you once took for granted. For example, how comfortable are you dating a furry?

SCORPIO Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Thus far, going to the same restaurant every night to sit in the same booth and order the same menu item has done little to nothing nothing to attract the affections of your favorite server.  Consider also leaving him/her a Missed Connection on Craigslist.

SAGITTARIUS Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Although you wouldn’t describe yourself as the sentimental type, this month you will be moved to tears by a series of shattered ribs.

CAPRICORN Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

The stars left your horoscope at their apartment this morning.  They totally have it, though.  Can they put it in your mailbox?

* April Fool’s!

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