Man’s guide to Valentine’s Day: Things to do, things not to do

It is that day again, the one many men find most awkward of all, Valentine’s Day. Sure, it was fun back in the day, second grade, getting cards from everyone in your class and always hoping for something special from a certain girl.

Those days are over. For any guy involved in a serious or semiserious relationship, I offer the two pieces of advice a successful Valentine’s Day.

1. Do make plans.

This is a special day for involved couples. My experience leads me to believe that it may be more important to women than men, however that is a point needing further elucidation. Nonetheless, it is important to formulate a Saint Valentine’s Day plan far in advance. So for those readers who fit the profile and have no plan, this is advice for next year, if there is one for the relationship.

If you like dining, take her to y’alls “special” restaurant. In-home dining, not a problem, just find something you cannot pronounce and make it. Do not underestimate your female companion. They recognize things like spaghetti, macaroni and cheese, as well as all forms of fast foods.

If dinner is out, there is always the theatre, both film and stage. Even catching an open rehearsal in any of the arts is enough. Yeah, you may feel weird, but so what, it is her day. Suck it up and move on. Alas, last minute trips to the local video store will not appease. And even if you do end up making a run for it, remember, the latest action/adventure feature will not suffice; there must be more than a minutia of romance to make this poorly planned, last minute attempt merely acceptable. Respect your woman.

Just remember, it is not the price one pays, it is the memory of that perfect Valentine’s Day. However, I promise, you will likely lose some cash.

2. Do not over imbibe.

It makes sense to place this after the planning advice. Do not get drunk. This is not a night on the town, drink some liquor and hope the toilet is close by type of event. The pleasurable part about this evening allows for appropriate libation for two. What is more, the evening maintains stability throughout the night.

Once again we remind ourselves, as we do each time we take the wheel, there will be a heavy law enforcement presence. This is particularly true now as we are under some ultraviolet nationwide alert. I think it is high.

Remember, this is a heavily marketed celiday (from the English celebrate and holiday). Reach beyond the thrones of loaf inebriation, ascend the throne of knight in shining armor. Your partner will appreciate.

One thing I have learned is that your female escort has feelings that can be hurt. No one wants to deal with a truly, unruly drunkard, particularly on a night that carries so many expectations.

Expectations that are media constructs meant to further secret chocolate special-interest groups’ agenda. I expect unmarked black chocolate helicopters to follow me this evening. I know they know I am onto their Saint Valentine’s Day plot. Moreover, do not forget – no heavy drinking. You want to deal with that and an irate woman? I think not.

With those suggestions, I hope everyone enjoys a wonderful time with their own special-interest group.